Fatigue

Sep. 11th, 2012 11:38 am
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The hardest thing right now is fatigue. I know I'm dealing with a bit chronic fatigue. I wake up and am typically okay (as long as I get at least 8-9 hours). But then  by 10 I'm yawning and feeling tired again. Not so tired to sleep but that "almost" stage of wanting a nap but not wanting to.  I've gotten very good at stifling yawns. I've increased my vitamin regime to high gear (10-15 vitamines 2-3 times per day) but I'm still just tired. I even ate breakfast with coffee to make sure the pills didn't upset my stomach.

Yet I'm tired.

This is an ongoing issue for about a week now that has gradually getting worse over the past month. Oh Chronic Fatigue how I love thee. The problem is that it also starts "attacking" my motivation when I get this tired. I think I may need a few days off to do literally nothing but rest and let my body rejouvenate. I need time... and yet have so little.
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"Sometimes you start spinning... and you don't know where to stop. You have to give yourself permission to stop." from Mummy.
 
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There are times when I hate being gay. Not that being gay should matter.... but it does. I hate that when I look at colleges and universities that are private, the first thing I have to do is try to see if the environment is friendly towards "the gays". I hate it and it sucks. I hate that I don't know whether to be open about this in my interviews b/c while I don't want to be in a hostile environment, yet I don't want to be discriminated against due to a personal judgement when the institution is okay. I also don't want to just say "no private christian schools go on my list" b/c that is equally discriminating on my end and I refuse to do that. It's just really frustrating that this is even an issue. I'm a damn good scholar and instructor yet something that totally has no relevance, has influence. I'm frustrated and disillusioned. Thus, sometimes I hate being gay.
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The past few weekends have been a whirlwind. Kate and I have not been home, alone, for the past 3 weeks, and keep in mind that for 2 out of the 3 weekends before that (in June) I was traveling to Texas or Connecticut. The last weekend in June, Kate and traveled to Seattle. We left Friday around 3 and returned Sunday evening. We visited Michaela and her family, went to Pikes Place and bought fish and scallops for our anniversary (July 3 = 1 year *grin*). I also found a suit for me to wear for interviews at Nordstrom and had it tailored and shipped back to Pullman. (600 miles)

The next weekend, (July 5-9) Nikki & Mark came to visit. That was both really awesome and exhausting. I've decided that dealing with other people's drama is not something I miss. But other than that, we had a blast. We hiked Kamiak Butte, went farming at Topsanna's farm, and hiked Palouse Falls. I actually put work away 98% of the time (I had to deal with students as needed) from Thursday afternoon to Monday afternoon. (275 miles)

Last weekend, we once again did the whirlwind drive vacation. Kate and I got off of work on Friday at 6:00pm. We packed and left Pullman by 7:30 and drove 8 hours to the Oregon County Fair (near Eugene). We arrived at 3:30 am and were up and at the fair by 7am. The OCF is basically a really big Rennesance Fair (think hippy and steam punk instead of Midieval and you got it) in the Oregon woods. It was very kewl to see but I think once is enough. The shops are awesome but it's so packed with people that it's simply overwhelming after awhile. Thankfully, Patrick (our landlord) had gotten us Worker Day passes so we were able to get in at 7 instead of 11 when the doors open and thus see much of gounds w/o the shoulder to shoulder people density.   

We left the fair at 3:30 and traveled to Florence, Oregon, a costal city (45 min west) to meet Patrick et al for dinner. Then we headed back east another 2.5 hours to car-camp near Cougar Hot Springs.  While we did nearly run out gas (yes I did it again... or nearly so) we found a campsite by luck which was w/in five miles a gas station. We arrived at late Dusk, around 9pm. So we crashed and got gas when the station opened that morning at 8am. 

After assuring Kate we were fine and not trapped in the middle of no where (and had gas) we went to Cougar Hot Springs near Three Sisters, Oregon. The Hot Springs were wonderful and a much needed point of relaxation. Finally, we headed to Bend to visit Deschutes Brewery, then headed home. (1100 miles)

So overall, (and not including my travels to TX and UConn) We traveled aproximately 2000 during the past 3 weekend. Next weekend the goal is to stay home, with the possibilty of going to Spokane for another suit for my interviews. And yes... the goal now is to rest. :)   I leave for Boston on August 2, then head to Michigan while I wait for "baby" to arrive.  By the end of August, I will have traveled to Texas, Connecticut, Seattle, Oregon, Massachussetts, and Michigan... (not including Idaho since that doesn't really count being only 8 miles away)    .... 6 states, 3 conferences, 2 visitors, and 1 trip home....
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I'm scared to send out interview packets.

I realize I shouldn't be. I realize that I should be all over this and that every day a new posting is announced, I should try to be all over that so I can get an informal interview at the academy. I've been procrastinating and make all sorts of excuses as to why I should wait a little bit longer. I'm not harming anything by waiting... most official deadlines aren't due til September or October. However, if I want to do informal/information gathering about each position at the Academy in Boston, I should email my packet out asap.

And it's not like I've been procrastinating on my packet. My packet is ready. I have 5 cover letter drafts targeting the various types of positions I would be applying for. My research stream, teaching philosophy, evaluations, and CV are all up to date and have been reviewed by my advisor.

I'm just ... waiting.

And I think I'm just not ready. I feel like I need just a few more days.  And in the meantime, I defend my dissertation proposal tomorrow. I'm teaching 5 days a week, and I really need to work on a fellowship application based on my dissertation that is due July 15th. So it's not like I'm lacking excuses other things to do. I just worry that it's not good enough. That I've missed something. That... that... it's just not ready...

I know I have to move on this soon. It's just the start of a giant leap. It's the prequel to the next chapter. And I'm a bit nervous.
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I don't really have many memories of my grandfather. I have one of his home when he was in Michigan, so it was probably about when I was about 9 or 10. I know I went there at least for Christmas for many years. The house was nice but I never really knew what to do with myself. My grandfather and his wife Betty had two other children, who while very nice, were also very foreign. Betty was okay, and while I never really liked her, I didn't dislike her either.

My grandfather and Betty moved to Florida when I was around 10 or 11 to live in a golf/retirement community. I went to visit once before he died when I was 15. I only really have two memories of that trip. One was actually not of them but of a water color class I took at the club house. I still have that water color painting and it was then that I realized how much I loved water colors. Perhaps I've kept that painting because it was also a memory, a connection, to that trip. The second memory is actually when we went to the store and while in the car, Betty got a little pert with me because I didn't say thank you and my grandfather defended me. I realized then how much of gentle soul he was, and I think that was when I started to actually like him. The reason I think that moment hit me so hard was because Betty was right. Being about 13, I was a typical adolecent struggling to be more independant. At that time I was really struggling to say "thank you" to people because that meant that they had done something for me; it showed that I had depended on that person. It was ironically not Betty who made me realize that saying thank you was not a weakness, but rather my grandfather's defense of me. I think he knew... and that was the beauty of that moment as I think he understood a lot more than I realized.

That was the last time I saw him.

My grandfather wasn't a great man. He did a lot of things that were not so great. But I think he tried. When he died, that part of the family became foreign. It still is. I think we are all foreign to eachother in fact. I think for me, he was part of the glue that drew me to that family. A few years ago Betty died. She had moved back to Michigan to be closer to her kids and grandchildren. Over the years I have become more and more distant. When it comes to going to family events, only my dad makes an effort. They invite him, but I know that he's the one who always calls them. And I realize, that while it's a lot of effort, to an extent, I understand why he still goes. It's a family that he never really had. For him, it's a connection to his father... a father he always wanted.

If nothing else, I can say that my father is a good man. Like his father, he tries. But he also did a lot better than his own father. My dad has been there for me. I came out to him before I even did my mom and have always been able to talk to him about anything really... Even though in fact, we don't talk much. But he knows. He knows I love him. He knows I appreciate him. And he knows, that I know, that if I ever need anything, he will do what he can to make it happen. If my dad's goal in raising me was to better than those who had held that role in his life, he not only excelled, he was a rock star.     
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Ok so taking a moment. This week has been really busy as I've been working towards a deadline (tonight at midnight). I've worked on this project for 65 hours since last Sunday (and sunday was only a few hours). By tonight, I think I'll easily have 70 after final proofing and making final changes. We pushed really hard to make this happen and basically, other than data collection and analysis, I wrote a paper in a week. I also had read all of the literature so it was pure writng. I now have my first dissertation paper completed. Whew!

Next, (after taking tomorrow off) I will revise my 2nd paper. I actually have a full draft and analysis of this paper already completed but my advisor requested some changes and some additonal data. The data is collected and all I have to do is the analysis but in order to propose, all I need to have completed is the front end (theory and hypothesis). Since I don't really want to know my results, and it will take me several days to conduct the analysis, I've decided to only do what is required to propose before I propose on June 27th.

In addition to paper 1 (completed) and paper 2 (front end completed) I have to write a "thought paper" which basically is a 7-8 page paper (double spaced with references) discussing what I want to for paper 3 including theory, data, etc.  Considering I have part of the data collection completed, that shouldn't be too bad. However, the catch is that if my paper doesn't come out or isn't good enough, then I will likely switch that paper with another idea that I plan on pursing at the same time. (My month in Michigan (August) will likely be a combination of job search and data collection for that paper).  So it's looking pretty good. I hope to have my first paper ready to go to a journal by the end of this summer, and should have my second paper completed too, though perhaps still in final editing before sending it for submission. Not a bad deal. I'm also handling stress a lot better lately too. I think knowing that I have things lined up has helped.

Focus for June and July:
Work on job application materials, particularily getting my research stream conceptualized and creating documents to present when interviewed in August.  :)

Oh, I also found out that I can apply for the Kauffman Dissertation Fellowship program, even though I'm pursing a 3-paper format. I can use 1, 2, or 3 papers from my dissertation to apply.
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I am definitely struggling with motivation. Ironically, things are looking pretty good from a dissertation stand point. Yet I struggle to get up in the morning and (more so) to work on these projects. Last week was very good, even though I was quite ill most of the week. I had two ideas, ran the data, and have two papers; one of which is actually really good.  But I'm struggling to work on them, even though I'm enjoying it. Basically, for the past month or so, I've only been working about 40-55 hours per week, probably averaging about 50 hours. While I realize that this may be above the "normal" 40 hours a week that most people do... but I feel that as a PhD student, this is not enough. I also say this knowing that technically 8 hour days are considered "okay" over the summer. It's just that I have so many deadlines, such as defending my proposal by July.

I think half of the problem is that I feel simply lost. I have several good things going. I just feel overwhelmed and unguided. The overwhelming aspect is simply due to the number of projects and the knowlege that I should be working 20 hours a day to complete this...but I don't have the energy or the drive. I kinda feel burnt out and have felt this for the past month. I think those are the biggest issues.

Since lists have always helped me, perhaps this will help.


Projects and Plans )

Presents

Apr. 12th, 2012 08:25 am
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I am so proud of myself. I found Kate's birthday present, a first edition book of the Neverending Story. Here's the really good part. The book is sold on amazon for about $120-170.... I bought if on eBay for $20. I received it yesterday and promptly hid it. But today I was able to look at it and it's completely legit and in beautiful condition. I'm really happy as she will no clue :)

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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I have issues severing ties. It's simply not something I'm really good at. If ties fade away, I can handle that typically a lot better simply because I have the ablity to restablish them if I chose to. Typically it takes me years to get used to severed ties. As such, its not surprise to me that every once in awhile Naomi comes back into my thought processes typically triggered by some random memory or, more often, some physical thing that has some connection to her. Cleaning out the hyundai, I found an old journal she gave me.

Last January, she emailed me a letter (I never replied) basically apologizing. To an extent, this letter was expected as she had stated she would send me something of an explaination, though the letter was received over year later. It was a pretty poor letter. Not in the sense she said mean thing... She actually tried to say things that were meaningful and tried to explain that she knew she screwed up and lost a friend ..blah blah blah..  While it may been an attempt at "heart felt" it failed pretty epically. None of it was of much of value so it was kinda easy to simply ignore the letter.

However, every once in awhile I google her just to get the urge for contact out of my system. 

Today I'm kinda entertained. Apparently she's getting bashed on her local craigslist for starving her horses and scamming people (obviously I'm not entertained by this, but simply that she is getting called out publicly for her behavior). I think this the reason I do follow her on occasion. I need to remember. I have this inherant part of me that wants to forgive and move on and I want to believe that people can change. The tough part is that not everyone does change. Thus, I occasionally need to know that she doesn't.That she won't. I think I just like the reasurance from the looking glass once in awhile. And over time, I know her absence won't be missed.

As to the journal, I've never really known what to do with it. I hate throwing away a blank book and all that paper, but didn't want it either. And I really didn't want it in my home. So, I ripped off the binding, threw away the personal note, and now have scrap paper for my office. It works.

New Car

Apr. 9th, 2012 08:30 am
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Yesterday we purchased the Honda Element. It is pretty and Ru is quite happy too. We showed it to Nathan when we gave him his car back and he loved it, saying it fit us (Kate and I). As I look out the window, it's sitting in the driveway, looking very cute in all its orange-glory. The owners were really nice and were very willing to let us pick up the car Sunday vs Monday. We just wanted to have things settled and finalized asap as the anxiety and general uncertainty was interrupting both our abilities to function and focus on other things. I called the previous owner and asked if he would take a personal check (vs money order) and he had no problems. When we were getting the car, he didn't even count the cash payment stating that we seemed pretty trustworth with me being a PhD student and us having a friend that was letting us borrow his BMW for the week.

Hopefully now life can get back to normal. It's been a whirlwind... and while we still have to make decisions about the Hyundai, at least we are settled for now.
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This week has been a whirl. I haven't managed to do almost any work this weekend, which is my big "work time" as I rarely have too many distractions during the day... not this week... Why?  Well, after 294,000 miles the Hyundai started to (finally) break. Tuesday, on the way to work, Kate called me and stated that the car lurched than suddenly dropped in gas milage. She took it to the Hyundai dealer and they basically stated that while they could fix it (for about $400) they were worried that this might be the beginning of the end and that we could see a lot of other issues. Since the last thing we wanted was an avalanche of expenses on a very old car, and we knew the car needed 3 new tires (thus an additional $300 expense), we decided it was time to start looking.

For the past two days we have been up at 6am (in order to drive to civilization) and been exploring cars. Two days and 12 cars later, we decided on the Honda Element. The main mission was to to find a vehicle that would fit the dog, 2 humans, and ideally 2-3 cat crates for when we move cross-country (to whereever I get a job). We had never planned to take the Hyundai. As good as it has been, I wasn't gonna trust it on another x-country trip... plus fitting humans and all four animals was not gonna happen. So... the Element will help us save about $2000 in a rental since one-way trips are always expensive. And I'm not sure a rental could handle more than just us and the dog, requiring us to find a way to ship the cats home so it's probably more like $3000 savings. 

We found the car on craigs list being sold from a personal owner. We put in a bid (and it was accepted) on the car. They came down $1000 from the original price, but it is still about $1200 higher than a comparable Element. The difference between the two cars is that we know the wheel bearing is going out on the other one. The one we chose has a hitch already installed, tinted front windows, a block heater for cold weather, but no roof rack. We also know that the one we chose used synthetic oil vs regular oil which more than anything was a testament to how well the owner took care of the car. The transmission was great, breaking was good and we really liked the handling. Only downside is the gas mileage which is only about 22 city 24 hwy. But, considering our specific needs, this is okay. We know that eventually we will need an new car for me to use so we figure at that point that we'll get a high mileage car for long distance (with no animals).   

I also just found out that the other Element sold right after we looked at it... so we made the right decision by acting quickly on the one we wanted.   :)
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My dataset is finished and I've run the analysis. It wasn't as "pretty" as I'd hoped and I basically have had to re-frame the paper.  Thankfully I gathered a lot of extra variables and one of them turned out for me. I can still use a similar framework on the paper, but a lot needs to change. I'm now basically waiting on my committee to confirm the changes in direction of the paper and then will move forward on it. In the meantime, I feel a bit lost. This in turn makes me completely lose motivation. Even getting out bed in the morning has been tough for the past 2 weeks as I simply don't enjoy this phase in the project. I think part of this is burn-out. I pushed myself so hard to on the damn dataset, that as I neared he end, I started to feel extremely sluggish and all I want to to do is everything Not related to work. I just want to take awhile to stop thinking and escape.

Thus, timing may be perfect for my Mum to come visit. She flies into Walla Walla tomorrow night and we are taking Thursday night-Monday morning to play and explore wineries all around the city/region. I'm really hoping this is exactly what I need since I have a deadline for a 400-word summary on the paper due next Wednesday. Also, today is Sushi day. My friend Todd (a 1st year PhD) used to be a sushi chef. He is going to teach me from start to finish how to make sushi. I'm quite excited. Particularily to learn how to cut the fish as I know this is a critical component. (I've rolled sushi before with veggies.)  Thus, between these two events, I hope to get a bit of rejuvenation.

I have read a few papers related to the topic and will start on my annotated bibilography next week. Today, I've decided to work on my homework for the survey class, then I go in to meet with my prof. on the paper. At 2, I go make sushi.
Tomorrow I will likely work on the summary/literature review, and pack for Walla Walla. Kate should arrive home around 5 and we hopefully can pack up the car and leave asap.

Rebound

Mar. 8th, 2012 08:09 am
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The data set is finished and I've been running some basic analysis. I meet with Arvin today on that to get my variables all 'normal'. And I've been reading articles again which is nice since I haven't done that in so long. I also read a book, just for fun... it was nice. I think I may do that a bit more too.

Things are a bit better, at least on a general day to day productivity. I do get tired of the meltdowns. And with the stress being so high I'm feeling like I'm having more and more lately. I'm not tired all the time... at least I've started sleeping again. Though generally I need a lot less sleep than usual. This also isn't fabulous as I'm sure it will catch up. I honestly need to just take some time off. I need some time to shut down and reboot. Mom is coming out next week Thurs-Mon so I will have some "turn-off" time then. But I feel like I need more than that. My productivity is back to a decent level. But my emotional levels are still off. I'm easy to frustrate, agitate and anger. Generally I'm doing well, and can appear to be a functional human, but I'm not ... me. And I'm getting really tired of it. I feel like I'm constantly on burn-out/rebound mode. I burn out... break down... keep going. I'm getting tired of this cycle. Especially since it seems the cycles are getting shorter and shorter between burn-outs.

I really need to take some time. We have a deadline in April. Both Kate and I have massive due dates around April 20th. Basically I have to have the first draft of my 1st Dissertation paper completed. Following that, we both go home to Cullen's graduation, a 4 day trip.  I am not really excited about that one since I will mostly be at Kate's parents. That is fine, but not necessarily a low stress environment emotionally for me. Physically its low stress. Emotionally, it depends.

When we get back, I'll have to start working on the second paper... another really fun time to be had. I have to have that one basically completed (data and paper written to the method section) by July. I don't know how I'm gonna do that one, but I guess I will.  The data set shouldn't be nearly as exhaustive so that is good. But I will have May, June and July to basically "finish" paper 2. Fun times. G-d help me. I guess the only saving grace is that I have most of August "off"... I doubt I will work much that month. I have a conference... but then I'll be in MI...  I just have to make it until then...

Breathe

Mar. 1st, 2012 11:58 am
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Breathe....I need to remember to breathe.
I just looked over an assignment for my survey class. Overwhelm. I'm simply at my office trying not to cry.

I don't know how to do this... No.. rephrase. I can do this. The content of the project is not so difficult. It's the quantity. I have to redesign a 12 page survey in a graphical layout, plus write a cover, postcard and thank you for the survey. I recieved teh assignment a week ago but refused to look at... I think knowing how time consuming it will be (and knowing I had no time to work on it yet). We have 3 weeks. But I don't have 3 weeks. I barely have time to breathe... which is difficult right now even.  I actually think I'm having a panic attack... sitting at my office cubical.  Great. I took a xanex. I wrote the instructor. I'm forcing myself to go into action mode, while still in panic mode. I just have no idea how I'm going to do this.

In addition to my data set which must be completed an analyzed by March 20, I also have to collect data for a project with Doug/Dustin which has the same deadline. That doesn't include my class work. I did not expect an assignment this big. He never gave any indication that the assigments would be this consuming. I know I technically have time if I didn't have the other projects. But I do. This assignment is huge. And if this is huge, the final exam is going to be worse. I'm buggered (to use a "vulgar" term).
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I'm really tired lately, yet can't seem to sleep either. I am fully aware that I am hitting another minor burn-out point. I haven't taken a day off of work in probably a good month now. Well... there was the exception a few weeks ago when Kate and I cleaned all day, but I'm not sure that counts as a day "off".  The problems is not so much the working, but that whenever I'm not working I'm thinking about work. For the past 5 days I have been waking up somewhere between 2-4am and all I can think about is the data set; what do I need to do next; how will I calculate X, etc. The problem is that the deadline, by which I have to have a completed my analysis and written a 1 page summary for the Babson Conference, is quick approaching.

Today, I took this morning and helped Paradise Creek bottle their first (ever!) batch of beer. It was only about 4 hours and it was nice to do something completely different for a change. I spent the morning boxing, stamping and taping beer cases. I then took myself out to eat and walked home. I've decided to skip class and I think just take a "sick" day... I don't want to go anywhere or do anything for at least a few more hours. I may work later, or at least plan (which is more likely) exactly what I need to do yet on this data set. I know I need the time. Yesterday it took me 4 (distracted) hours to complete the last 20 data points... (this is about 2x longer than usual). So I know I need some rejouvenation time otherwise my work quality will continue to deteriorate and thus work time increases. A bad combination.

I think I'm gonna curl up in bed, watch a movie, and just chill now.
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So a job position opened at UWisconsin -Parkside. The position is open to ABD, though ABD is essentially considered a "Lecturer" for the first year, followed by tenure-track as long as you complete your dissertation by June 2013. So... I actually applied. But I really don't know. There are a lot of pros and cons.

PROS
  • $$$ this is a given. A real salary compared to a negative one.
  • Kate could easily get her license and actually work in job that is related to what she wants to do. (Not working with her current population)
  • Moving closer to home (it's located about an hour north of Chicago)
  • The ratio of students is 1:19
  • The city size is about ideal at 100,000
  • I would be teaching mostly strategy and some entrepreneurship. Likely 3 classes, all Strategy.
  • Because the postion is a "lecturer", I could still go on the job market and if I could get a better position, it would not be a hit to my tenure-clock
  • I would get out of the college of  business which is kinda going down in flames.
  • It would not hurt my relationship with my advisor or committee members as long I arranged telephone conferences.

    CONS
  • Its a teaching school. I really want a combination of both teaching and research.
  • The total student population is 5300. This is much smaller than I would like
  • If I only stayed for 1 year, we would have to move twice
  • I'm not sure I'm ready to leave Pullman. I finally have a good social network and I know starting over is tough
  • While I know I could complete my dissertation, it would be difficult. Things have just gotten to where I am able to have both a life and work toward completion of my program, and I would once again be working regular 14 hour days 7 days a week.
  • While I have little contact with my advisor/chair, I do share an office with Doug and Dustin so I at least get some intellectual collaboration.

fears

Feb. 8th, 2012 07:49 am
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Had a dream last night... scared the hell out of me. I lost my mum. This is truely my worst fear. I know it's just a dream, but it was one of those that haunts you a bit. I woke up at 2:30 am and was able to keep myself calm and logical. After about an hour or two, I was able to fall back asleep. This morning I'm a bit more emotional as the processing takes place. I know I'm okay. I know she's okay. I just don't handle dealth well. In part, because I've only ever really delt with the death of one person who was very close to me, my grandmother.  I realize how lucky I am. While other family members have passed, thus far that has been the closest and most affecting. I don't know that I really know/understand how to process death, and I think that is the problem, particularily if it's someone close to me. I think that is why I fear it so much. I can't even talk about dealth without crying. I don't fear my own death. That's silly. I'm gone. Don't get me wrong, I want to live, but don't fear my death. I'm simply scared of losing people close to me. 

Ironically this has been a key topic in my therapy sessions, which I have about every other week. And I have therapy this morning at 9. That's good I think. I realize that it's okay to fear the loss of those close to you. I just know that my fear is a bit overwhelming at times.   

Busy

Feb. 3rd, 2012 07:50 am
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Yes. No surprise there. I think it's just getting to me a bit more this week. I even had a dream that I went to the two classes I'm taking and I'd forgotten my homework for both... I did talk to my advisor though and found out that my proposal is not due until August. So that's actually plausable. Met with Arvin yesterday and we narrowed down the sample again and redesigned a few calculations. Unfortunately that means I'm about 3 steps back again and lost a lot of time (~20 hours).

On a positive note, my survey class keeps getting better and better. The class is taught by one of the premire leaders of the field and it's only offered once every 3 years. While the class does add more work, I really have enjoyed it and know that with this knowlege, I go armed with much better tools than had I not taken it.

I have to be at the office shortly... long day, yet again. This week has been back to the minimum 12 hour days at the office since Wednesday. eww.  Today is only about 10, but then I have Tu'Bish vat seder with Michaela. I want to go as this is actually my favorite holiday (celebration of the trees) but I'm not thilled about the busy. Oh well.. It begins. :)

The Dam

Jan. 22nd, 2012 06:22 pm
nirvelli_lynn: (Default)
I've hit the stress point again. I'm really struggling to not be overwhelmed all the time.  I have to defend my proposal before April and I don't see how it's possible.... In order to defend I have to have 1 paper completely finished, the data for another collected, and a good idea for the last. I can have the paper finished. I'm collecting data now. But the new data and the 3rd idea are completely foreign to me. I'm lost. So bloody lost. I look at the data and start freaking out that nothings there. (There is no reason for this... I have no insight from the data.) I don't know whether I'm collecting the right stuff, useless stuff, or whether the question is even worthwhile... even though a prof is working on this with me. I'm just... at a loss. I feel like I've spent the past 2.5 years working my ass off and have nothing to show for it. Even my advisor doesn't get it because 'we did everything right'. I'm feeling like everything I do is worthless, will add nothing to career, and that I'm not even good at what I do because all I can focus on is everything I don't know. 

I've talked to Kate about it. And we both know that all she can do is be there for me... but she can't really help directly. She's encouraging me to talk to my profs about these things... but I'm not sure I can even talk without crying about the feelings of frustration. And I worry about them judging me or thinking of less of me. I am judging myself constantly, thinking I'm offering no value to any project I'm on... fun times in general.  I've noticed that ever since my comps, I really easily go here. I'm not trying to blame comps for all these issues, but it played such a major havoc on my self-esteem that I can't seem to find value in anything I do. And yet, I know that Jonathan directly told other students that he was really impressed with how Doug and I did... yet I simply can't see it. I'm freaking out on so many levels and I'm too scared move.

It's been a few weeks now... for awhile I simply avoided working on anything related to my research... but now that I have to... it seems the dam has broke

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nirvelli_lynn

September 2012

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