The Dam

Jan. 22nd, 2012 06:22 pm
nirvelli_lynn: (Default)
[personal profile] nirvelli_lynn
I've hit the stress point again. I'm really struggling to not be overwhelmed all the time.  I have to defend my proposal before April and I don't see how it's possible.... In order to defend I have to have 1 paper completely finished, the data for another collected, and a good idea for the last. I can have the paper finished. I'm collecting data now. But the new data and the 3rd idea are completely foreign to me. I'm lost. So bloody lost. I look at the data and start freaking out that nothings there. (There is no reason for this... I have no insight from the data.) I don't know whether I'm collecting the right stuff, useless stuff, or whether the question is even worthwhile... even though a prof is working on this with me. I'm just... at a loss. I feel like I've spent the past 2.5 years working my ass off and have nothing to show for it. Even my advisor doesn't get it because 'we did everything right'. I'm feeling like everything I do is worthless, will add nothing to career, and that I'm not even good at what I do because all I can focus on is everything I don't know. 

I've talked to Kate about it. And we both know that all she can do is be there for me... but she can't really help directly. She's encouraging me to talk to my profs about these things... but I'm not sure I can even talk without crying about the feelings of frustration. And I worry about them judging me or thinking of less of me. I am judging myself constantly, thinking I'm offering no value to any project I'm on... fun times in general.  I've noticed that ever since my comps, I really easily go here. I'm not trying to blame comps for all these issues, but it played such a major havoc on my self-esteem that I can't seem to find value in anything I do. And yet, I know that Jonathan directly told other students that he was really impressed with how Doug and I did... yet I simply can't see it. I'm freaking out on so many levels and I'm too scared move.

It's been a few weeks now... for awhile I simply avoided working on anything related to my research... but now that I have to... it seems the dam has broke


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