It's been awhile...
I went internal for several weeks. Some would argue it was more over a month. But it was good. Last week was the end of it. Monday was pure hell. Probably one of the worst days in several months. But then... it was like hitting bottom and the moving up from there.
I had a dream last Sunday. Actually, it really was more of a nightmare.
I was in a bed and hands were restrained to my sides in a loose T shape near my shoulders. (I realized I was actually sleeping in this position when I awoke) Three people were in the room all doing their own thing yet I didn't feel alone or uncomfortable. Two people walked out. I then realized that my "restraints" were not leather or rope, but a spider's thread. A very large (2 inches big!) white and grey spider then crawled towards my wrist and was trying to bite my wrists and hands. Obviously I was freaking out and kept trying to flick it off. Sometimes I managed to stretch one hand across to the other side to flip the spider away but the webbing that bound me (it was like small strands of rope) then somehow reinforced itself and my hands were once again bound. There was one person still in the room and started begging her to help me. She said she would but never moved... I kept whimpering "please" and begging her to help me as I continued to attempt to avoid the spider's bite. I woke up and finally was able to move my arms which I realized had actually been "restrained" by the dream-state which had added to the intensity of the dream.
I figured this out on Thursday... and I think that broke me out of silence. While there is still much for to me work on in relation to the dream, the realization of what it meant helped trigger something in me that allowed me to start externalizing again. I'm still pondering much. But I can honestly say that much and many revalations have occured since then. I'm doing better. Much better. Things in my life are turning towards a new direction.
- School Applications are all in. I am confident in these and know even moreso that if I don't get in, I have a plan. Eventually I will reach my goal. It's just a matter of the path I need to take to do so.
- Things in my personal life are doing well, mostly because I started to make some major changes in how I think about and approach relationships. I started to make changes in me which have resulted in a much better worldview of my life. I realized that I am ok alone. If I want to be with someone that is different. But I don't "need" someone in a relationship. I can want them, but I do not need them.
- I also realized that I need to be more careful with my Trust. And I will not be hurt again in the same way. The keys to my heart are available...but they have to earned. And that will take Time, more than anything.
- I am still working things out in several elements. It's gonna take time I know. And I may make a few wrong choices along the way... and I know that not everyone (as I well know) will like some my decisions along the way. But I need these people to keep me on my toes. To keep my eyes open.
It's been a long time since I could say that.
And I know that this is both the problem and the beauty of my life. I feel deeply... passionately... and intensely. I don't do casual... I try. I fail. About always.
And I can't help the fact that I am as intense as I am... I know that much of this is the scorpio in me... that heralds to my nature. I know that if I can get through the times of darkness I currently face... I will be ok... and... so much the more Person for going through this; the more Whole. And I know why this time is so difficult... because, as with everything, I am intense. While I know this process would probably be easier if I were to spread it out over months, and years... but I am incapable of not being as intense as I am. And thus... while the disadvantage of all this, is that it is so dark where I am... the advantage is that I will go through this faster than most... as long as I survive it... intact. This is the closest to being destroyed that I've come in awhile... and this demise is mine... not because of someone else. I've let myself come to the place I am in... and I hope to get out of it.
But I also know I have much to offer... at least when whole... because of this passion. And I wouldn't choose to be any less... Because I love so deeply... and I let people into me... inside of me... and sometime I have to take that back... take parts of me back...because they are not valued as they should be. But there are always parts that I leave behind... Peices of me. That I can never take back. My fear of this ... is that eventually, there will be nothing left. Because I know that I compromise myself in relationships... even in certain friendships. And I know this isn't good...
As I once stated...
"I've been everybody else.. minus me, being people I'm not, so no one can see..."
But... people can see... that is also a fear and a danger. Because if they don't like what they see... and I'm rejected... then I am rejected on such a deep level... that it can damage me. And I don't know how to remedy this.
Because I hate walls. I don't want them. It took me years to take them down. Years... and so much work. Because I used to have them... was one of the best... my therapist at the time... even said so. *smile*
But I took them down. And I don't want them... but I have to protect myself in some way... both from others... and even from myself... so that I don't give myself away too freely. Guard dogs are a good idea... and I like the mental image. Because I need something to protect me. And to balance me out. As I so desperately need balance.
But I wouldn't change me... even if it kills me... I wouldn't choose to live without the passion that I do.
I had a thought on Friday...one that started me when I realized I'd thought it...
I was walking upstairs to bathroom for something, when I thought:
"I love my life."
I immediately was surprised...I also thought maybe I'd meant "I like my life."
But maybe it's a combination of both... both loving and liking... because it's taken me awhile to think positively about either one... and the thought startled me...because I realized that not too long ago, I couldn't feel that....
I'm glad that I'm finally getting back to this place... where... I not only love..but like... my life.
Cutting my hair so psycho-sematic for me... It cuts away the parts of me that I need to get rid of. And I cut a way a lot. I needed a dramatic change. And I've decided to just leave the color. I like it for now.
This also helped me make, and see that I needed to make some decisions about my life. And I made them. And I will work on them. Because I need to make myself happy. Not put my happiness in others and my surroundings. I need to make changes. Because I need to pull myself out of this (mental) space. And only I can do it.
And I'm tired of bringing others down. It's time to be me again. And I know I can be. I know this isn't immediate, after all, it took a long time to sink so low... but I will be ok. In fact, in the end, I'll be better than ok. I know I'll be good. And I can see the light at the end of the tunnel again. I guess, to say it simply, I have hope again.
And I will keep thiscandle burning.
My plans for the weekend, (and end of the week) kept changing and plans faded in and out, so finally, on Friday, I decided to spend the evening at mom's. After my meeting in Lansing, I came back to Owosso and had dinner with Dadra. Then I went back to mom's and unloaded the scooters from the suburban, and decided that I wanted to do my hair... I wanted to straighten it, so I did was had been recommended and did it myself, with a bit of help from mom. Then we cut about 3 inches off. :) I'm really happy with the result. I needed a change and I've felt better ever since.
I have a tendancy to depend, and wait on other people. For help, advice, and sometimes even permission. I need to just take things in my own hands and do it myself. I need to simply depend more on myself and less on others. And I'm refering more to internally than with this case. I just need to find my own stregth to take action.
So Saturday, my plans has once again changed, and so I decided to head over to Jim & Nikki's to see if they needed help preparing thier annual bbq. I was a bit nervous because we hadn't hung out in awhile, but it was a really good move. It was really nice to see and hang out with them... and I missed them.
So I made fudge, and went with Nikki on some errands and just enjoyed thier company until the party began. A brief game of lawn darts was played - partially blindfolded. (Also, it was the pre-banned lawn darts which alway makes the boys happy.)Then the boys started to prepare and create the course for "Extreme Croquet"... Half the party guest were assigned Job Descriptions... I was the "Course Manager (#)" (we all had to choose a sign...like the ball master was.. well... it was a boy after all....). Nikki was the "Genetic Engineer" and her tummy had the lable "Genetic Engineering Assistant". Dadra was the bookie, scorekeeper and bartender. (I put bets on Brice.) Oh and Cory, was just standing around became the "Voyeur". :) We also assigned points to each wicket on a scale of 1-5. Also if the shooter got through the wicket on their first try, they got double points. They could also skip the wicket. The first person to win got 12 point, second 10, third 8, then 6, and the rest got 4 once the course was completed. It started to drizzle, then rain in the first 1/3 of the game, but they all kept playing. :)
The course began on their garage roof where the ball had to roll down a bumpy rug and land inside a tomato plant wire frame (aka a circle). It took several attempts by many people, so there were lots of balls flying around. After the roof there was a door on a saw horse with a wicket at the top... that ended up being impossible and everyone skipped it to go to the wicket surrounded by foam pieces...it was harder than it looked. Then there was a long halfpipe of metal that the shooter had to go up and come down. That was doable but also skipped by many. The giant wicket was easy (a sawhorse). The then was a platform that lead to another door, this one was flat and there guide a bowling pin, and a wicket at the end. Unfortunately the rain made things a bit more difficult on this one but some people still managed. The next was again impossible as it involved a ramp and a landing strip to the next wicket. Then we went around the house to several easier wickets (a long tube, a wicket under a bush, and a wicket in the driveway). As my role in Course Manager, I managed to get things flying once we got past the ramp/landing strip. Some people were making their way around the house and I yelled out who was next (following the order by color). It was great that we were able to fly at that point... cause I was wet and getting cold. ;)
In the end, Brice won. YAY!!! So I got my $2 bet returned to me plus $3 winnings (we split the profit since Cory, Brice and I all had bet on him). After croquet, I left the party and went to mom's where Casey & Lindsay were visiting. They had just returned from California and there were pictures to share. It was nice. They had a really good trip and it sounded like a fun adventure.
So, I made my own fun that day... And... I really enjoyed it. Which was much needed. I genuinely, enjoyed my day