Separation

Sep. 1st, 2007 08:11 pm
nirvelli_lynn: (Default)
Foodage has occured and I feel a lot less tired. I am now sitting at my computer at home with a small glass of wine, and plan to later watch the 4400. I had an invite to go socialize and watch Grey's Anatomy... but I know I really need processing time tonight... to just "be".

This morning the garage sale set up began at 6:30am... we were open by 9, and our garage sale kicked ass. We brought in between $800-$900 on or first day. :) Not bad...not bad. *grin*

Erica came at around 9:30. I knew she was coming... and knew it would be hard. As much as I know that the path our lives are on... is a good thing... it is still hard sometimes. Today we separated finances, permanently. We both know that certain things will take time to get out of our names and into one... actually... it's more of a factor that Erica will refinance the car to her name, and take on the windows loan. I will take on the debt we accrued together with mom. All in all, I think we both ended up with a good deal and we are both comfortable with the results. We wrote up an agreement and signed it. We also discussed the house and how we should approach any maintenance and repairs, or remodeling for the sake of resale. Basically, we both know we need to keep costs down, but we will split everything 50/50 in regards to the house. We stopped by mom's to copy the documents, and mom signed off the debt to me. Having mom, erica & I all in the same room was the hardest... I think we all started to break a little...

After getting back to the house, I stated that I thought we should open up the bottle of wine that she'd given to me for Christmas... She stated that I should wait for a special event... my eyes started to tear up... and I finally was able to say... "it is." It was so hard... being so distant from someone who was once so close. Because, though we huged, we couldn't comfort eachother... we both knew that we needed to maintain distance; create new barriers. So... we just toasted... neither one of us could talk... I finally just said... "to what words can't express". The wine was good... it's the wine that I'm drinking now... and yes, it's still good.

It's just hard... because I miss her. I don't want what we had. And I'm glad, as difficult as this path has been, that I am in the place I am at. That she is in the place where she is at.

But... I still miss her in my life. And I care about her. And I really want the best, for both of us.

But I also am glad... that we both are finally moving on. Even though it hurts. It is a good thing. And we both know it.
nirvelli_lynn: (Default)
Last night was softball, coffee and harry potter. I was supposed to be at Harry at 9ish, but made it around 10:30. Dadra has more devotion than I ever thought possible, and was in line by 6:30... we were first in line needless to say... however, by the time I arrived, the line litterally went outside the theatre about 200 yards, all the way to the street. The movie was good, better than I expected actually. Much less depressing than the book. And I got to bed before 3am which was nice.

Softball was good. It was close game though we lost in the end. I was going to go out with the team to the "5" but I call from Kate who needed to talk. We met at Wired and I stayed longer than I intended, but it was needed. She left feeling better and I could see that she was better. Good.

Today I have a meeting at 6pm with Katie W. Mom should be there too... Mom seems a bit more edgy/neurotic than usual, but we do well in professional mode so it will be good. I may need to mow my lawn today... if not, it will need to happen this weekend.

I also lowered the price of the house... so that is done. And canceled the open house... I just wasn't ready. I know it's not about me and what I have... but I want the house to look nice and there is too much stuff I need to go through (the boxes in the living room). Perhaps this weekend since I'm not going up north. Yes... Saturday. Maybe I'll ask Dadra for help.

I'm also still a bit angry with Erica... apparently... since talking about the house and sorting (in reference to her not being there/helping) I tend to get angry. It's so wierd because I don't do anger... So wierd... I wish I could make it all go away... the anger... Oh well... I just hope that I can get rid of this whole situation with the house soon... because dealing with it all... is difficult... and sometimes draining.




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nirvelli_lynn: (Valerie)

Yesterday was just fun! 
I ended up taking the day off work due to several personal appointments. I had an early morning apt with my homopathic doctor, Dr. Page. I officially have a clean bill of health from both my doctors (the M.D. and the homepathic dr). Yeah!!! finally after 2 years... my system in finally out of wack. This made me happier than I could even express.   I then took my car into the dealership to see about its idoling so low in the morning... basically it wouldn't do it, so I have to leave it there overnight sometime.  My counceling apt went really well too. Yeah! Basically I'm finally not "handling" life... but planning it... much less reactive and more just enjoying and planning (proactive I guess)... it's a nice change. I have more control about what is going on and how things affect me. It's a very good place to be.

Softball rocked! I actually got a base hit...AND didn't get anyone else out!  wOOt!!!! So geeked!  I also did a good job catching.  While the ball did manage to stay away from my face, my knee took one hell of a hit. The bruise isn't bad... but it hurt (and still hurts a bit) like a bitch. It was worth it though. I got to play the whole game too... which was really kewl. We lost the game 12-8, but we did really well and some great hits.  And we have the best fans in the world!  They actually made me loose complete concentration at one point! I can't even imagine the look on my face. ;)

After the game, 1/2 the team went out to the 5. I officially (and with permission) renamed Kate to Kāt (pronouciation the same, just different spelling) and She & I were quite the trouble-makers. ;)  We talked about a wide arrange of things, pasts, life, people... We watched the lesbians on parade... (There were some cute ones even...) And I even convinced her she needed to catch because I get the best view on the field. ;)  I won't trade though...*grin*  We also decided on clothes for the next practice... *grin* this will be fun. 

I finally got home around midnight and got a text from Erica. She was ok... there are still so many changes we are adjusting to... and while I'm glad we didn't talk, but just text messaged, it was a good conversation. 

Things are good. I am good. There is still much to be done... but it's really nice that things are finally "good" again.

Vegas

Jun. 3rd, 2007 01:00 pm
nirvelli_lynn: (Default)

I'm home. And So glad to be here. :)  Vegas was good. I have an entire book to write to write and update LJ, but that will have to wait until tomorrow, or maybe later tonight. 

But the basic rundown is: 

Things with Erica are good. Things were rough at a few points but that was expected as new lines in our relationship are drawn.
We opened up levels of communication (about our relationship) that had never been there. We both realized we compromised a lot... and that the end (of us) was such a good thing.  We also transitioned into friends much easier than I could even have reasonably expected.
The two bedroom apt was a good thing. We both needed our seperate space. (The  resort was awesome and beautiful!)
We immediately walked into a role as "friends" and stayed there. There was no desire to even kiss her, which made things much easier. (So nothing "happened" which was a credit to us both. And an easy accomplishment.)
Vegas was fun. We walked a *lot*.
Zumanity was a great show.
She is happy with her life... and I am happy with mine.

Basically... we're both ok where we are at. We need seperation. The vacation was one day too long, which we now know. But in the end, we're ok. 


 

nirvelli_lynn: (Default)
Yesterday I never made to play catch with Leah... I never made it out of the house in fact... but it was still  a very good day.  I ended up chatting/talking to Erica for long time.  There were some parts of the conversation that didn't go... quite so well.  Like for one, she's smoking again... my reaction to that was ... really really bad. I called her a few things even surprised me. But seeing as I was kinda in a crying rage at that moment... because of concern for her... and she knew it wasn't personal... it was ok. I think we both just started heading down some not so good paths for awhile... and we both need to get off of those paths. 

We booked Vegas... so it's actually gonna happen. We also booked tickets to Zumanti (a Cirque de Sole production) which is a more "adult" show we were both interested in. I think Vegas will be fun. Erica is kinda cute because she wants to mostly financially support the trip. She stated "as long as I called her a bread winner and walked behind her 3 min/day" she'd take care of most of it. *laugh* T'was cute. She's going to "see" other people which I think is good. I'm not really surprised at the person she has in mind, and I think this is all very good. Who knows what the future holds. I have no clue whatsoever... but I'm starting to get comfortable where I'm at... and I hope she is able to do the same.
nirvelli_lynn: (Default)
My new computer is currently being installed in my office! Geep! *totally beyond excited* This means I won't have to wait a minute (literally) every time I open new program, and my computer won't freeze 12x a day. Yeah! Larry, our computer guy, is currently making it happen. PLUS I have a brand new monitor! It's a 20" screeen that looks amazing! I'm a total geek right now and a complete size queen!

Yesterday I was my first practice with the Eastside Softball Team. I knew I wanted infield and when asked what I'd played, I suggested Catcher. That went over *really* well as the girl who played it, Chris, did well but didn't really like to do it. So now I'm Catcher and she's backup. :) Wheee! That makes me happy. I realized today that my ass is going to get a bit of a workout with all the up down... I'm actually glad about that. :) People were concerned about my knees but they were great. I think had this been 6 months ago, it would be a different story, but my knees are doing fabulous. And softball is actually a workout. Another bonus. :)

I need to work on my hitting... I've never played Slow-Pitch so hitting and catching is an entirely different world. But I'm going to play with Casey and maybe even Leah once in awhile. Leah's practice is fast-pitch but I can join them even for a workout. So that's a nice option. I really need to work on catching grounders... that I suck at. And again...catching slow-pitch is SO different! But I think I was good enough not to get kicked off the team. :) I need to get a new glove... Tonya (from Sistrum) said she may have a spare which I could use for the season. That would be great for now. I also have to get clothes that will work... All of my workout clothes are "presentation" clothes. (Aka, cute and typically pink) I didn't think a pink workout outfit would get me taken too seriously... and with the whole catcher thing, I'm going to be on my knees contstantly so darker will be better. So now I can go get a really cute (but not pink) outfit to practice. :)

I sent China some "child support" this morning. Along with a letter to Erica that I wrote last night. It's very hard not talking to her. Because she's the first person I want to call to tell about my day. But I can't. And shouldn't. So, since we'd agreed to write... I did that. Sadly enough I still cried while writing. But it's better than talking. And I think this seperation is good. We need to get past the constant crying stage.
nirvelli_lynn: (Default)
Today was difficult, and sad. When we went grocery shopping, I realized how much will change. Sounds silly. But it's the little things... it's always the little things. Like shopping alone from now on. Sleeping alone... creating a life... alone. And it's sad. I know I won't be completely alone. I know there are people around me and all that... but it's different. To not come home to someone. To go home tomorrow to an empty house... I'm scared. Sad. And it's overwhelming. I will miss so much it brings tears to my eyes. Again, I know this decision is the right one... but as I keep saying to myself... it is the right one. It just doesn't make it any easier.
nirvelli_lynn: (Default)
Tomorrow we leave for Virginia... a few stops before we leave Michland and we're on our way. The plan is to stop once we near/cross the border of Maryland, which puts us about 5 hours away from Erica's apartment complex. We'd like to get her unpacked and settled, get some new furniture (since we're arriving almost none) and explore the area. Erica starts work on Wednesday, and I fly back to Michigan Tuesday night. And then... life keeps moving forward. Me here. Her there.

Work gets a bit more intense with Treadwell coming from Kansas. Plus, we're expecting several proposals and information to come back that week. So I'll be busy. And that's the idea. Keep busy. I've recently been having some anxiety issues... and am trying to keep that at a low ebb. I'm fairly certain I can't do that alone, and I'll be talking to my doctor about that... I think I'll need some help of the medicinal sort... for only a week or so... but just to keep me at an idol lower than 7. (Dadra always says I idol at around 3 compared to "normal" people who idol around 1 or 1.5 (yes like a car). I'm mostly at a 5 lately... and that's fine... but when I go up to 7.5 is what I don't like... so, help is needed. I hate having to go this route too... I don't like it at ALL. but I also know that 7.5 is just not healthy. And I can't stop... reving up.

"Life is journey, both terrifing and wonderful."
Henry Rollins

flight

Mar. 14th, 2007 09:16 am
nirvelli_lynn: (Default)
I booked my flight home from Virginia. I fly home on Tuesday, March 27th at 7:59pm EST. I arrive in Flint at 12:54am on March 28th.

Life will be very different...

Starting at 7:59pm EST on March 27th, 2007...
nirvelli_lynn: (Default)
Erica is currently in GRR for her second interview. She goes to VA on Thursday/Friday. I think both of our nerves are shot when it comes to all this. She couldn't find her bra this morning which nearly led to a minor melt down. I got out of bed (at 5:30) and helped her find one. Still not sure where the orginal bra disappeared to. But it was *poof*. So yes. Life is full.

I'm not tired though. I had some time to myself this morning which was nice. I also straightend a few things up and started laundry. Today I have many errands to run. I might actually leave to do that soon. That or do it over lunch.... hmmm...

Parents are both in town tonight. I had my laptop off to my dad. They're going to a movie. I don't know what I'll be up to. Erica is also working Delta's daddy/daughter dance so I expect her around 10 or 11.

The list

Feb. 23rd, 2007 08:52 am
nirvelli_lynn: (Default)
1. I slept last night
2. This week sucked
3. China (not the dog)
4. E didn't get the job, but has another interview today and tonight
5. Military is an option being considered

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