Presents

Apr. 12th, 2012 08:25 am
nirvelli_lynn: (Default)

I am so proud of myself. I found Kate's birthday present, a first edition book of the Neverending Story. Here's the really good part. The book is sold on amazon for about $120-170.... I bought if on eBay for $20. I received it yesterday and promptly hid it. But today I was able to look at it and it's completely legit and in beautiful condition. I'm really happy as she will no clue :)

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

nirvelli_lynn: (Default)
I'm starting to wonder if I did the right thing. I hurt Kate. I know I did. I know too that what I said was true. She is going to keep hurting those she loves as long as continues to ignore her issues. But such a potent truth is often hard to face. Few want to see...yet ths is not the first time I've forced someone to see what I see as truth. I wonder who do I think I am to force such a view onto someone else. Simply because I can see it doesnt mean they are ready for it. So do I hurt more than I help? Am I causing purposeless damage & pain to someone simply becuase I believe they need to see what I deem as truth.

While it is a rare occasion that this situation occures.... I wonder if perhaps I am wrong in this... could these actions been seen or perceived as vindictive. something I never thought I was...

Am I hurting people more in the end?

(update: I actually spoke to Larisa about this... she stated that for one thing, the truth is often hard to bear, and while it often hurts, if the person chooses to listen, it can actually help. In some cases, it can make a relationship stonger, in others, often the person chooses to run from the truth, the relationship may fail. Failure was also a brief discussion as we attempted to discuss my issue with making everything my fault. This particular topic will remain a focus, particularly because I was a bit too overwhelmed today. I also talked about my fear that I was being vindictive, she stated that if I was actually being vindictive or malicious, I would not have been sitting on her couch crying because I knew that hurt Kate. I would not feel pain at hurting someone if I was trying to hurt them. What I told her I said because I want her to be ok...and she has things she needs to figure out in order to be ok. Larisa stated, that based on that, I said what I did out of love. I wish it didn't have to hurt her. And maybe she'll never forgive me... but I hope that in end, she's ok. I truely have no mal-intent.)
nirvelli_lynn: (Default)
Things with Kate have ended once again. The pattern broke, then immediately restarted anew. This time however, I knew. And I talked to her. She allowed herself to see the pattern this time. She realized what she was doing and how it would end. I offered to leave in order to break the cycle. She agreed. So we are done. While a part of me feels this as a loss, another part of me saw this coming. I kept my eyes open and knew not to put all of myself into this until time had proven the pattern broken. Time proved otherwise. Kate will still be in my life and hopefully someday she will find it in herself to break her own pattern. And maybe then things can change between us. I leave the future open but will exist in the present. And in the present. We are done.

I have learned to protect myself better. I have learned how to hear my gut. And I have learned to listen. I have even found my own way...of letting go. My way is different perhaps than most. But it is my way. And I find it works for me.

I am ok. I am sad... yes. But I can finally move on. I am not opposed to a future that can change with Kate, but I am no longer waiting on her. I have my own life to live. I knew I had lessons yet to learn with her. I learned mine. Maybe someday in the future another lesson, a better one, can be found. But... for now... I move forward. Alone. And I'm finding that it's not a bad thing.

I've also finally accepted that I am a monogomous person and I want my relationships to be this. I'm done compromising. And I think this is a good thing.

Changes

Aug. 22nd, 2008 02:07 pm
nirvelli_lynn: (Default)
Kate's moving today.

It's hard.

On so many levels.

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September 2012

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