nirvelli_lynn: (Default)
 Today was a hard day... not only was it my most intensive, but emotionally I felt a weight on me. Honestly I don't even to where to begin or how to describe recent events... but the chaos has proved a distraction. Not a big one... but a distraction nonetheless. For the entire week, I've managed to shut it out... cut it off... but today was harder. Yet... in the end, I feel that I won. I won because I still managed to read 3 articles this evening. I got through today without panic (re: classes). And I've been keeping composure/professionalism to extraordinary levels. And while today was harder, I still ended up okay. I've been able to separate the chaos (for the most part) from my life and not let it affect me professionally (i.e. in school). This is something I've never been able to do... but for the first time, I can simply keep my distance... and say 'when you figure your shit out, let me know... in the meantime... I've got my own life to live... (and damn is it busy!)"  It doesn't matter who is or who isn't in my life... Those who are meant to be here will be... and those who are a distraction, ... well... I won't let them. Yes anything can be and everyone once in awhile will be ... but as far as letting chaos in my life... I'm not. I have moments. But once those moments are past, I am stronger. And I come out with more determination and focus.

And... the clincher is that I'm off meds. While moving out here... I ran out. I didn't mean to... but... I didn't get my rx refilled (I lost the script) and realized I was running low... So... I quit. After a week of tapering down, I quit completely. I figured that my trip out to WA was a better time than when I was dealing with classes... and it's been nearly a month. Yes there were some points that were hard... but overall I have almost no reaction to quitting them. Timing was right. 

So while I've been dealing with all these changes to my life... the move... the start of classes... even the external chaos... I'm now totally med free. I have tons of herbal options for de-stressing... but I'm med free... it's been 1.5 years... and honestly... I know that simply being where I'm supposed to be... and doing what I feel is what I'm supposed to do is helping me with all this... And all this.... being here... being able to focus... being able to block out anything that could deter me... and being med free throughout all this...
I'm proud of me...  

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nirvelli_lynn

September 2012

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