nirvelli_lynn: (Default)
I have issues severing ties. It's simply not something I'm really good at. If ties fade away, I can handle that typically a lot better simply because I have the ablity to restablish them if I chose to. Typically it takes me years to get used to severed ties. As such, its not surprise to me that every once in awhile Naomi comes back into my thought processes typically triggered by some random memory or, more often, some physical thing that has some connection to her. Cleaning out the hyundai, I found an old journal she gave me.

Last January, she emailed me a letter (I never replied) basically apologizing. To an extent, this letter was expected as she had stated she would send me something of an explaination, though the letter was received over year later. It was a pretty poor letter. Not in the sense she said mean thing... She actually tried to say things that were meaningful and tried to explain that she knew she screwed up and lost a friend ..blah blah blah..  While it may been an attempt at "heart felt" it failed pretty epically. None of it was of much of value so it was kinda easy to simply ignore the letter.

However, every once in awhile I google her just to get the urge for contact out of my system. 

Today I'm kinda entertained. Apparently she's getting bashed on her local craigslist for starving her horses and scamming people (obviously I'm not entertained by this, but simply that she is getting called out publicly for her behavior). I think this the reason I do follow her on occasion. I need to remember. I have this inherant part of me that wants to forgive and move on and I want to believe that people can change. The tough part is that not everyone does change. Thus, I occasionally need to know that she doesn't.That she won't. I think I just like the reasurance from the looking glass once in awhile. And over time, I know her absence won't be missed.

As to the journal, I've never really known what to do with it. I hate throwing away a blank book and all that paper, but didn't want it either. And I really didn't want it in my home. So, I ripped off the binding, threw away the personal note, and now have scrap paper for my office. It works.
nirvelli_lynn: (Default)
 For as busy and emotionally stressing as today could be... I'm actually doing well.  I have my list of things to do. I'm dressed the part (of a TA) and feeling good. The surgery is on. Talked to Nao for an hour this morning. And ... things feel pretty good.

So... as I said to her... today is the first day of the rest of our lives... me towards getting my phd... Nao... for a cancer free... and chemo free... existence. Both of us beginning.
nirvelli_lynn: (Default)
Well, after nearly 3 weeks with no internet, I finally am settled in my room and have internet access once again. I have much to do and catch up on...

I traveled cross country in a Penske truck and officially have moved to the west coast. I love my dorm.... I love that it's mine... all mine... and only mine... I have a safe place... one that I love and feel comfortable in. I have keys to my building, an office space that I share with 2 other Phd students, and I've been managing my way around campus quite well. My orientations went really well and included a TON of info (like free printing in the graduate study area!) and useful tools for when I TA. I am not yet assigned to any prof for my TAing but I'm not worried. I bought a few of the books for classes and basically have the rest of the week free to finish decorating and organizing my dorm room, taking care of administrative details, and learning the public transit system.

The trip out here was good, but long... possibly too long. But I did get to do and see things I may never had had the chance to do... We stayed in the UT Arches National Park... I played in salt lakes and on a salt field... I saw crater lake oregon... stopped at wineries in oregon and washington... saw the highest suspension bridge in the world (across a gorge) and may other random and little things...

The worst part of the trip was that Malcolm didn't make it... he died in Oregon... He nearly made it... *sigh* It was simply too stressful for him... the bumps (physically being jostled about) and the smaller cage... and I think the temperature changes were just too much... *sigh* that sucked.  I currently have his cage partiallly set up... maybe I'm hoping to sometime get a new one... I don't know...

Nao and I had a few rough patches. Everything is not fine, but she knows how to make it right. We'll simply see how it goes. All in all, I can say that I'm really happy to have my own space... and the trip, and the time with her, actually helped me distance myself more and will allow me to focus on school. I know the amount of space I need from her (which is actually a lot compared to past situations and relationships, but I think it's simply healthy for me to know this) . I still choose to be with her but I'm glad for the time away... the space both allows us time (maybe it's even more for me than her) and allows me to focus and create my own life here. I would have it, and allow it no other way. Funny how hard... even harsh that sounds... but I am content with that and know that I am doing the right thing for me. Its... kinda nice to do that for once *smile* I think I like it... and even better... I know I can keep it up. *smile* 


Jun. 19th, 2009 11:43 am
nirvelli_lynn: (Default)
Naomi goes into surgery next week. She will be setting the exact date later today. The tumor is becoming resistant to chemo so the surgery has to be asap. The tumor also isn't small enough for a laser surgery so the tradititional surgery (or scaple surgery, as Nao calls it) is the only option. Apparently it grew very quickly while she was in michigan when she wasn't on chemo so there is a significant level of urgency that goes along with this. The recovery could be anywhere from 2-6 weeks, but the dr thinks that with Nao's "stubbornness", an early recovery is very possible.

Honestly I'm a little freaked out and simply scared for her. I also wish I was there, but I knew her friend Jeff will be, so she isn't alone. I still don't like it, but I have too many things here that I simply can't leave right now... it's a sucky situation, but I can't change it. I have been working my arse off in the meantime to get things ready to go. Honestly, a part of me would love to leave a week early to take the train out to denver next month, but I'm not sure that's a good  idea either. I know I have to move at the pace that is best for me. And I am. If things change along the way, ok, but now I have to do what I need to do in the meantime...

Currently that's finish my semester, write my paper for Econ from last semester, and pack. I wish I had more flexibility in my schedule. I was hoping to get out to Cali this summer but that plan got shot away long ago. I wanted this summer to be an easy and fun time before I started school... but the whole UM screw up really screwed me over. I hate this. I hate that my last "free" summer is now shot. And I know I'm feeling this even more because I would like to be able to be there for Nao.

I'm simply not happy about all this


May. 11th, 2009 02:44 pm
nirvelli_lynn: (Default)
Nao goes into surgery next week. Apparently her blood work "could be better" but they are going to go for it. She also got approved for a laser surgery so the scaring won't be bad...

I know she's worried. I know she's gonna try not to panic. And I know that I will need to be strong for her. And I can be... but I too am worried.


nirvelli_lynn: (Default)

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