I realize I shouldn't be. I realize that I should be all over this and that every day a new posting is announced, I should try to be all over that so I can get an informal interview at the academy. I've been procrastinating and make all sorts of excuses as to why I should wait a little bit longer. I'm not harming anything by waiting... most official deadlines aren't due til September or October. However, if I want to do informal/information gathering about each position at the Academy in Boston, I should email my packet out asap.
And it's not like I've been procrastinating on my packet. My packet is ready. I have 5 cover letter drafts targeting the various types of positions I would be applying for. My research stream, teaching philosophy, evaluations, and CV are all up to date and have been reviewed by my advisor.
I'm just ... waiting.
And I think I'm just not ready. I feel like I need just a few more days. And in the meantime, I defend my dissertation proposal tomorrow. I'm teaching 5 days a week, and I really need to work on a fellowship application based on my dissertation that is due July 15th. So it's not like I'm lacking
I know I have to move on this soon. It's just the start of a giant leap. It's the prequel to the next chapter. And I'm a bit nervous.
Next, (after taking tomorrow off) I will revise my 2nd paper. I actually have a full draft and analysis of this paper already completed but my advisor requested some changes and some additonal data. The data is collected and all I have to do is the analysis but in order to propose, all I need to have completed is the front end (theory and hypothesis). Since I don't really want to know my results, and it will take me several days to conduct the analysis, I've decided to only do what is required to propose before I propose on June 27th.
In addition to paper 1 (completed) and paper 2 (front end completed) I have to write a "thought paper" which basically is a 7-8 page paper (double spaced with references) discussing what I want to for paper 3 including theory, data, etc. Considering I have part of the data collection completed, that shouldn't be too bad. However, the catch is that if my paper doesn't come out or isn't good enough, then I will likely switch that paper with another idea that I plan on pursing at the same time. (My month in Michigan (August) will likely be a combination of job search and data collection for that paper). So it's looking pretty good. I hope to have my first paper ready to go to a journal by the end of this summer, and should have my second paper completed too, though perhaps still in final editing before sending it for submission. Not a bad deal. I'm also handling stress a lot better lately too. I think knowing that I have things lined up has helped.
Focus for June and July:
Work on job application materials, particularily getting my research stream conceptualized and creating documents to present when interviewed in August. :)
Oh, I also found out that I can apply for the Kauffman Dissertation Fellowship program, even though I'm pursing a 3-paper format. I can use 1, 2, or 3 papers from my dissertation to apply.
I am definitely struggling with motivation. Ironically, things are looking pretty good from a dissertation stand point. Yet I struggle to get up in the morning and (more so) to work on these projects. Last week was very good, even though I was quite ill most of the week. I had two ideas, ran the data, and have two papers; one of which is actually really good. But I'm struggling to work on them, even though I'm enjoying it. Basically, for the past month or so, I've only been working about 40-55 hours per week, probably averaging about 50 hours. While I realize that this may be above the "normal" 40 hours a week that most people do... but I feel that as a PhD student, this is not enough. I also say this knowing that technically 8 hour days are considered "okay" over the summer. It's just that I have so many deadlines, such as defending my proposal by July.
I think half of the problem is that I feel simply lost. I have several good things going. I just feel overwhelmed and unguided. The overwhelming aspect is simply due to the number of projects and the knowlege that I should be working 20 hours a day to complete this...but I don't have the energy or the drive. I kinda feel burnt out and have felt this for the past month. I think those are the biggest issues.
Since lists have always helped me, perhaps this will help.
( Projects and Plans )
Things are a bit better, at least on a general day to day productivity. I do get tired of the meltdowns. And with the stress being so high I'm feeling like I'm having more and more lately. I'm not tired all the time... at least I've started sleeping again. Though generally I need a lot less sleep than usual. This also isn't fabulous as I'm sure it will catch up. I honestly need to just take some time off. I need some time to shut down and reboot. Mom is coming out next week Thurs-Mon so I will have some "turn-off" time then. But I feel like I need more than that. My productivity is back to a decent level. But my emotional levels are still off. I'm easy to frustrate, agitate and anger. Generally I'm doing well, and can appear to be a functional human, but I'm not ... me. And I'm getting really tired of it. I feel like I'm constantly on burn-out/rebound mode. I burn out... break down... keep going. I'm getting tired of this cycle. Especially since it seems the cycles are getting shorter and shorter between burn-outs.
I really need to take some time. We have a deadline in April. Both Kate and I have massive due dates around April 20th. Basically I have to have the first draft of my 1st Dissertation paper completed. Following that, we both go home to Cullen's graduation, a 4 day trip. I am not really excited about that one since I will mostly be at Kate's parents. That is fine, but not necessarily a low stress environment emotionally for me. Physically its low stress. Emotionally, it depends.
When we get back, I'll have to start working on the second paper... another really fun time to be had. I have to have that one basically completed (data and paper written to the method section) by July. I don't know how I'm gonna do that one, but I guess I will. The data set shouldn't be nearly as exhaustive so that is good. But I will have May, June and July to basically "finish" paper 2. Fun times. G-d help me. I guess the only saving grace is that I have most of August "off"... I doubt I will work much that month. I have a conference... but then I'll be in MI... I just have to make it until then...
I just looked over an assignment for my survey class. Overwhelm. I'm simply at my office trying not to cry.
I don't know how to do this... No.. rephrase. I can do this. The content of the project is not so difficult. It's the quantity. I have to redesign a 12 page survey in a graphical layout, plus write a cover, postcard and thank you for the survey. I recieved teh assignment a week ago but refused to look at... I think knowing how time consuming it will be (and knowing I had no time to work on it yet). We have 3 weeks. But I don't have 3 weeks. I barely have time to breathe... which is difficult right now even. I actually think I'm having a panic attack... sitting at my office cubical. Great. I took a xanex. I wrote the instructor. I'm forcing myself to go into action mode, while still in panic mode. I just have no idea how I'm going to do this.
In addition to my data set which must be completed an analyzed by March 20, I also have to collect data for a project with Doug/Dustin which has the same deadline. That doesn't include my class work. I did not expect an assignment this big. He never gave any indication that the assigments would be this consuming. I know I technically have time if I didn't have the other projects. But I do. This assignment is huge. And if this is huge, the final exam is going to be worse. I'm buggered (to use a "vulgar" term).
Today, I took this morning and helped Paradise Creek bottle their first (ever!) batch of beer. It was only about 4 hours and it was nice to do something completely different for a change. I spent the morning boxing, stamping and taping beer cases. I then took myself out to eat and walked home. I've decided to skip class and I think just take a "sick" day... I don't want to go anywhere or do anything for at least a few more hours. I may work later, or at least plan (which is more likely) exactly what I need to do yet on this data set. I know I need the time. Yesterday it took me 4 (distracted) hours to complete the last 20 data points... (this is about 2x longer than usual). So I know I need some rejouvenation time otherwise my work quality will continue to deteriorate and thus work time increases. A bad combination.
I think I'm gonna curl up in bed, watch a movie, and just chill now.
- $$$ this is a given. A real salary compared to a negative one.
- Kate could easily get her license and actually work in job that is related to what she wants to do. (Not working with her current population)
- Moving closer to home (it's located about an hour north of Chicago)
- The ratio of students is 1:19
- The city size is about ideal at 100,000
- I would be teaching mostly strategy and some entrepreneurship. Likely 3 classes, all Strategy.
- Because the postion is a "lecturer", I could still go on the job market and if I could get a better position, it would not be a hit to my tenure-clock
- I would get out of the college of business which is kinda going down in flames.
- It would not hurt my relationship with my advisor or committee members as long I arranged telephone conferences.
- Its a teaching school. I really want a combination of both teaching and research.
- The total student population is 5300. This is much smaller than I would like
- If I only stayed for 1 year, we would have to move twice
- I'm not sure I'm ready to leave Pullman. I finally have a good social network and I know starting over is tough
- While I know I could complete my dissertation, it would be difficult. Things have just gotten to where I am able to have both a life and work toward completion of my program, and I would once again be working regular 14 hour days 7 days a week.
- While I have little contact with my advisor/chair, I do share an office with Doug and Dustin so I at least get some intellectual collaboration.
On a positive note, my survey class keeps getting better and better. The class is taught by one of the premire leaders of the field and it's only offered once every 3 years. While the class does add more work, I really have enjoyed it and know that with this knowlege, I go armed with much better tools than had I not taken it.
I have to be at the office shortly... long day, yet again. This week has been back to the minimum 12 hour days at the office since Wednesday. eww. Today is only about 10, but then I have Tu'Bish vat seder with Michaela. I want to go as this is actually my favorite holiday (celebration of the trees) but I'm not thilled about the busy. Oh well.. It begins. :)
I've talked to Kate about it. And we both know that all she can do is be there for me... but she can't really help directly. She's encouraging me to talk to my profs about these things... but I'm not sure I can even talk without crying about the feelings of frustration. And I worry about them judging me or thinking of less of me. I am judging myself constantly, thinking I'm offering no value to any project I'm on... fun times in general. I've noticed that ever since my comps, I really easily go here. I'm not trying to blame comps for all these issues, but it played such a major havoc on my self-esteem that I can't seem to find value in anything I do. And yet, I know that Jonathan directly told other students that he was really impressed with how Doug and I did... yet I simply can't see it. I'm freaking out on so many levels and I'm too scared move.
It's been a few weeks now... for awhile I simply avoided working on anything related to my research... but now that I have to... it seems the dam has broke
- Passed Exams and am now ABD
- Dissertation papers 1 and 3 were accepted. Still working on 2.
- My paper with Arvin (Also my dissertation paper#1) on Alliance governance & formation at IPO was accepted to Babson. This is really good news. In fact, every paper that was submitted by PhD students at WSU got into Babson, including Doug's on which I'm second author. Keeping in mind only 200 papers were accepted, this is awesome.
- I think I have all 3 dissertation ideas solidified. I'll meet with Jonathan tomorrow to discuss this further
- The Stigma paper that was my original 2nd year paper (and after a year in review was rejected by AMJ) has been revised and we now have double the sample size. We were originally planning to send it the Jounal of Management (JOM) but the results are so good that we've decided to send it to Strategic Managment Journal (SMJ), which is an "A" level paper.
- We have decided to repackage the Information Asymmetry paper that we presented to Babson to the Darden Conference. Jonathan recommends it as us getting out on the market as much as possible this year is ideal. The only hang-up is the amount of traveling (and therefor expense) that I will have to do.
- The managerial capabilities paper (I'm 2nd or 3rd author) will be send to the AOM conference
- I meet Kristine tomorrow re: the Etsy paper. I may see about sending that to AOM** The Etsy paper still needs to be written and "aimed" somewhere... tomorrow we discuss where.
- On the downside, the results for the Reputation Repair paper (aka Org Science as this the target) is problematic. This is the paper that we spent a month collecting data for during comps prep (aka hell). None of the regressions come out. We are considering a Survival Analysis but that needs more data... thus I think that is dead in the water, probably until May. However, this was not a complete loss as part of this data collection helped us finish the Stigma paper that we're sending out this week.
Works in Progress this month:
- Information Asymmetry paper - email tomorrow to Darden
- Stigma paper - update methods, edit for SMJ format, send out to co-authors D & J (with deadline), send to SMJ before Dec 20
- Reputation Repair (Org Science) - hold off and come back to after defended my proposal
- Alliance Governance at IPO (Dissertation #1) - hit this hard and collect data. Ideally (if unlikely) have completed by Jan 10 for AOM conference submission
Works in progress otherwise:
- Status at IPO (Dissertation #2?) - Data collection simutaneous with other Alliance/Dissertation paper.
- Distance between Underwriters & VC; Agency Issues at IPO (Dissertation #3) - plan data collection and have data by May.
**The push for the AOM Conference is because that is when I'm officially on the job market and I need as many signals of quality as possible if I choose to go on it... much of my decision to go on the job market will depend on the SMJ.
Also, during my orals, 2 of my 3 paper topics toward my disseration were accepted. Yesterday, I talked to Doug and we have found a third. (I sent an email to my committee about it today.) If approved, I have all three dissertation paper ideas ready to go. Now it's data collection and trying to get another paper off to a journal.
In other news, Kate and I made a major decision... one I'm not yet accustomed to but is decided. We decided that I'm going to take a 5th year. While I don't have to declare this with the school for one more year, we needed a plan. Specifically, she needed a plan regarding her job. If we were to stay 4 years, she would stay with her current job (which she hates). However, if add another year, she will stay with her current job til May-ish (making it 1 year of employment) then get another job for the remaining 2 years. I'm still a bit hazy on this decision and I still may consider doing a few interviews if the right schools come up. I really don't want a 5th year, but in order to really have a chance on the market, I need at least 1 publication and 1 under review. I think I can easily get the 1 reivew... it's the publication that is difficult. We have one paper that still has a major shot at a good journal and that's the one I put into review, but that same paper spent a year under reivew already.
My other concern is more personally motivated. At my current rate, I'm at serious risk of burnout. If I wanted to complete everything in 4 years, I would have to continue at 80+ hours per week, every week. And that has (already) taken a significant toll on me. And it's tough on Kate. I want to survive the program. I want to be out in 4 years, but I'm really concerned it may not be possible... at least with my sanity and relationship in tact. I just kinda feel like I'm failing a bit by not completing the program in 4 years. I'm struggling to accept it... I kinda still want to try to get out in 4 years, but I also am worried about the amount of work it would take to do so... I feel like I'm in a Catch-22.
Mom has told me this more than once... *sigh* I wish there were some things my mom would just not tell me... I mean... right now... I really don't want to hear that people question my abilities to do this. **I** am questioning these things, though my gut level says I'll make it... however I go through some times when I really just want to ... stop. But I force myself to keep going... and I do. And I typically do it well.
There are some things that concern me... there are some things I need to go see a doctor about even... my anxiety is the primary reason. ... I am having a lot of aches in places I shouldn't... breathing sometimes is hard and my chest and sometimes back ache a lot. I think that the problem is panic attacks and tightness in my intercostals... which is common in stress... I've depleted my adrenals and I know it. Though I should say in my defense that I'm not on any regular anti-depressants. I have taken xanex a few times during the day and the past week I've been taking klonopin to sleep... so I've been learning to handle 95% of this stress and lifestyle on my own... drug free.
However, all I have to do is make it though this week and a final the following week. I am exhausted but cannot sleep... I've learned this is typical.
Adding to the stress is the fact that I'm still having to deal with Naomi who has yet to give me back my belongings... and the money she owes me... and trying to deal a bit in advance with the one negative aspect of going home... and basically trying to negate that before it happens... Otherwise I'm really happy and excited to go home. Though I still will not sleep in my mom's house alone unless my door is locked.
I'm overly stressed...yes. overly taxed... yes...do I sometimes want to just not do this anymore? sometimes... yes... but I really want this... But I also don't want to hear about people who think I won't make it. Maybe that's asking too much... but I'm still asking.
*sigh* I really should be sleeping... I have a 7am alarm tomorrow...
Saturday was the BBQ of Doom sponsored by Nikki & Jim. We drove up the driveway and Nikki was so surpised to see me that she lept over the charcoal grill (which was on) and nearly tackled me to the ground. She was so excited... and it was such a beautiful welcome home.
The BBQ of Doom equates to tons of beer, late night wrestling, and extreme croquet. (Definition of extreme croquet? It starts on the roof of the garage and you have to get the ball through the wicket as it rolls over shingles and off the roof... it's kinda like plingo. The next wickets involve rolling the ball up a child's slide, over a mud pit, up a rug and over a wheel barrow... and let's not forget the "sprint around the house" part...basically.. it's a wonderful and crazy game). Casey came and hung out which was also really nice.
Sunday mom took (a barely awake) me to the airport and I was gone by 7am. It was a whirlwind... but truely an amazing one. I feel refreshed. I feel like I can not only do the work I need to do, but I can mentally comprehend it. I have a lot of work to do, but I believe that I can manage my time well and will do well this week. I feel like... I got a reboot.
And I needed it..
I've said that my being here and knowing no one is advantageous because I have nothing else to focus on... but in some ways, I wonder if it's not. So far, this past week, I spent 1.5 hours socializing with people not in my program and not talking about my program. I also spent about... lets say 7 hours on the phone talking to people from home. I spent 54 hours in my office or in class between monday - friday, and that doesn't include a few extra hours studying at home nor the hours I have and will spend this weekend. By tomorrow night, I will prolly have averaged between 70-75 hours focusing on school. And at best, maybe 10 hours that involved some type of interaction with people in a social setting outside of the classroom/office. I do allow myself to watch an episode of Heroes or something on netflix late in the evening... mostly to turn my brain off...
But the thing is... I don't feel I'm doing *enough*. I expected this life. I expected this pressure... but I'm pressuring myself *way* too much and I'm scared I'm gonna burn myself out way too soon. If I take 30 minutes to eat in the cafeteria I'm wondering "is this efficient use of my time?" It's that bad....
I don't know what to do... lately I've been closer to tears that usual...and I can't blame it on being "girly"... It's the pressure I'm putting on myself. I'm told by so many people that they are impressed with my level of dedication... The 4th year phd student stopped by my office today and we talked about the program... I know I impressed him. He pointed said as much! I know I've impressed many of the staff. They see me in my office before 7am and I don't leave until after 6pm on most days.... (I'm the one making coffee first thing so it's easy to see when I'm there or when I'm not) All I do is work... and I LIKE this... I like being recognized for my devotion... I like my program. I like the people around me... as i told one person... I worked my ass of to get here.... I don't want to fuck it up... And that's my fear... fucking it up. Not putting enough into it... and I keep thinking that I'm not doing enough. I was talking to one of my cohorts and stated that I was slacking... he looked at me and laughed and said "I seriously doubt that." I have no life outside of this program. And I have done this deliberately... but I'm wondering if, even if I want one or not... maybe I should have one... I don't know... I just know that my anxiety is high all the time... that I am in constant analysis of how efficiently I"m using my time and challenging even small breaks...
Even when ahead... I feel behind... I just... I don't know how to allow myself to let go and know that I'll be ok...
( ... )
Basically, Monday and Wednesday I TA from 1:30-4:00. I may have the 596 seminar before that, but I don't know yet. Tuesday is BUSY... esp with the current (though temporary) schedule. Basically I swim from 8-9, and have class from 10:30-5:00. Depending what I drop, (which will likely be the second stats course) I may have more time in the mornings. We'll see... This first week is the testing grounds... I know I want to be pushed, but I also know that I want to find the balance between overwhelm and productively busy... so I'll see what I can do and simply drop out of whatever seems like it will take too much focus away from my Research Methods class, which is the most important class this semester (both the advisor and phd students agreed)
So... tonight my goal is to crash early, get up early, maybe study before I swim, and just... enjoy the chaos *smile*
I traveled cross country in a Penske truck and officially have moved to the west coast. I love my dorm.... I love that it's mine... all mine... and only mine... I have a safe place... one that I love and feel comfortable in. I have keys to my building, an office space that I share with 2 other Phd students, and I've been managing my way around campus quite well. My orientations went really well and included a TON of info (like free printing in the graduate study area!) and useful tools for when I TA. I am not yet assigned to any prof for my TAing but I'm not worried. I bought a few of the books for classes and basically have the rest of the week free to finish decorating and organizing my dorm room, taking care of administrative details, and learning the public transit system.
The trip out here was good, but long... possibly too long. But I did get to do and see things I may never had had the chance to do... We stayed in the UT Arches National Park... I played in salt lakes and on a salt field... I saw crater lake oregon... stopped at wineries in oregon and washington... saw the highest suspension bridge in the world (across a gorge) and may other random and little things...
The worst part of the trip was that Malcolm didn't make it... he died in Oregon... He nearly made it... *sigh* It was simply too stressful for him... the bumps (physically being jostled about) and the smaller cage... and I think the temperature changes were just too much... *sigh* that sucked. I currently have his cage partiallly set up... maybe I'm hoping to sometime get a new one... I don't know...
Nao and I had a few rough patches. Everything is not fine, but she knows how to make it right. We'll simply see how it goes. All in all, I can say that I'm really happy to have my own space... and the trip, and the time with her, actually helped me distance myself more and will allow me to focus on school. I know the amount of space I need from her (which is actually a lot compared to past situations and relationships, but I think it's simply healthy for me to know this) . I still choose to be with her but I'm glad for the time away... the space both allows us time (maybe it's even more for me than her) and allows me to focus and create my own life here. I would have it, and allow it no other way. Funny how hard... even harsh that sounds... but I am content with that and know that I am doing the right thing for me. Its... kinda nice to do that for once *smile* I think I like it... and even better... I know I can keep it up. *smile*
If anyone has any insight, thoughts or opinions on any of these schools, please let me know. I'm completely open to any comments.