nirvelli_lynn: (Default)
It seems like forever since I posted. In fact, I think it has been. Sadly I can offer no promises of more frequent posts, but I at least wanted to get the core updates and ongoings posted.

So the big update is that I'm now engaged. Kate asked me to marry her while we were at Disney. It was amazing and very memorable. We have set the date for July 3, 2011. The date is kinda unusual in that it's on a Sunday, but the 4th is an official holiday so I'm hoping few people will have to work. Plus, it's actually traditional in Judaism to have wedding on Sundays so I kinda like it. Kate has since moved out to Washington and we've officially been living together for one month, come Sept 1. Honestly I love it. We took the first month to essentially paint the house (4 of the 5 rooms!), get unpacked and settle. It was nice to have that time to really adjust to each other.

My second year paper is nearly completed. It's taken longer than we expected, but that IS expected. I spent all summer gathering data, analyzing results, and writing the methodology section. I am the first of three authors. We are submitting the article to Academy of Management Journal. It's the top journal in my field. My advisor reviewed and essentially re-wrote a third of the paper which was expected but still a bit frustrating and embarrassing, (though I totally know I'm not bad for where I'm at in the program.) He said our writing was good for 1st years, but still needed work to get up to the level of an A journal. It was interesting to see his writing style and how much better his was... it makes me yearn to that good someday. He really thinks this has a shot at an A, and thus I am VERY appreciative that he put so much work into it.

I am meanwhile working on a paper with another prof (Kristine), using etsy to analyze small business entrepreneurship and co-opetition (when competitors co-operate in the market). We are in the exploratory phases of that one and I have to create a "random" list of participants by next week.

I am also reading a ton of stuff on IPOs (initial public offering - when a company first decides to "go public" and list their firm on the stock market) in order to write an abstract so I can attend an entrepreneurship conference, Babson. Babson only accepts about 250 of 700 abstracts each year and you have to be accepted to attend. That is due mid-October. Thankfully that paper will also work for one of my seminars.

Classes have started. I'm taking 2 stats and 2 seminars. It's interesting because my first year, my sole focus was getting through my classes. Now it's almost like classes are secondary. My primary focus is research and I'm trying to just get as much information from the seminars as possible while still keeping my focus. Thankfully I have no final exams this year. Only papers. I have an organizational behavior seminar and have no idea what my research area will be in... though another prof is possibly interested in the topic of creativity and I think that may be interesting... So that is more extra reading I need to work on to get ideas.

I have one idea for one of my dissertation papers. (I will be doing three small rather than one big.) It is in the area of IPOs and Entrepreneurship. My advisor came and talked to me a few days ago and apparently we have access (via his professional network) to a database of Chinese IPOs (which is very hard to get data on). I have been welcomed to join a phone conference between my advisor and 2 other profs at another university to discuss ideas and topics to consider. I am thrilled at the opportunity to expand my network like this. Plus I like the topic. Next semester my advisor will be leading an unofficial seminar in Entrepreneurship (It will officially be a 'directed study' and thus he won't get paid, but it will be just as intense as a regular seminar) and my cohorts and I are allowed to use whatever papers we develop in the class as part of our dissertation. So even though I'm only starting my second year, by the end of this year, I should have a good start at one, if not two of my dissertation papers.

I think the hardest thing right now is learning how to balance everything. Last year was difficult emotionally because I didn't have a support network here, but I therefor had nothing else to do but work. The negatives includes mild depression, counseling, and about $5000 in travel expenses. This year I have part of my support network here, but as result, have a playmate and thus don't want to work as much. Arguably this could make me equally or more productive in shorter amounts of time, but that I believe will be once I have that balance. I also feel a bit bad because I'm working so hard to find a balance here, that I feel like I'm neglecting other friends back home. This is hard because I do miss my people. And I know I'm not going to be traveling home nearly as much this year. Thanksgiving, then Winter break are the soonest at this point. Plus I am not planning on going home for Spring break in March. (We are planning a vacation with Mom.) I miss my people, but I also know that this year I have the strength to stay here longer and thus work harder towards my degree and future. Meanwhile, it's really nice to actually have someone in Pullman who I want to spend time with. It takes a bit of learning how to prioritize things again. I am fully confident that it will all work out, and that I'll have a schedule settled in the next week or so. Overall, I have absolutely no regrets, it's simply learning a new pattern. I am very happy with what I'm doing, where I'm going, and who I'm with. And I'm hoping, that by working so hard, I will be able to move back to the mid-west eventually.... so I can have more of my people again.

I am ok

Feb. 9th, 2009 10:25 pm
nirvelli_lynn: (Default)
While my intention was to sit down and update LJ, I've been playing on my computer for 40 minutes in complete distraction ;)

It's been awhile...

I went internal for several weeks. Some would argue it was more over a month. But it was good. Last week was the end of it. Monday was pure hell. Probably one of the worst days in several months. But then... it was like hitting bottom and the moving up from there.

I had a dream last Sunday. Actually, it really was more of a nightmare.

I was in a bed and hands were restrained to my sides in a loose T shape near my shoulders. (I realized I was actually sleeping in this position when I awoke) Three people were in the room all doing their own thing yet I didn't feel alone or uncomfortable. Two people walked out. I then realized that my "restraints" were not leather or rope, but a spider's thread. A very large (2 inches big!) white and grey spider then crawled towards my wrist and was trying to bite my wrists and hands. Obviously I was freaking out and kept trying to flick it off. Sometimes I managed to stretch one hand across to the other side to flip the spider away but the webbing that bound me (it was like small strands of rope) then somehow reinforced itself and my hands were once again bound. There was one person still in the room and started begging her to help me. She said she would but never moved... I kept whimpering "please" and begging her to help me as I continued to attempt to avoid the spider's bite. I woke up and finally was able to move my arms which I realized had actually been "restrained" by the dream-state which had added to the intensity of the dream.

I figured this out on Thursday... and I think that broke me out of silence. While there is still much for to me work on in relation to the dream, the realization of what it meant helped trigger something in me that allowed me to start externalizing again.  I'm still pondering much. But I can honestly say that much and many revalations have occured since then. I'm doing better. Much better. Things in my life are turning towards a new direction.
  • School Applications are all in. I am confident in these and know even moreso that if I don't get in, I have a plan. Eventually I will reach my goal. It's just a matter of the path I need to take to do so.
  • Things in my personal life are doing well, mostly because I started to make some major changes in how I think about and approach relationships. I started to make changes in me which have resulted in a much better worldview of my life. I realized that I am ok alone. If I want to be with someone that is different. But I don't "need" someone in a relationship. I can want them, but I do not need them.
  • I also realized that I need to be more careful with my Trust. And I will not be hurt again in the same way. The keys to my heart are available...but they have to earned. And that will take Time, more than anything.
  • I am still working things out in several elements. It's gonna take time I know. And I may make a few wrong choices along the way... and I know that not everyone (as I well know) will like some my decisions along the way. But I need these people to keep me on my toes. To keep my eyes open.
Ultimately, I know that I am ok.

It's been a long time since I could say that.


Dec. 17th, 2008 01:52 pm
nirvelli_lynn: (Default)
Last night I talked to Kate and we called it good. Friday was the last day I saw her, and we ended on a neutral note... so we decided to break as now. We're not talking again until I get back from Jamaica. And we both know that we're merely 'touching base' at that point. I mentioned that we may need a few months until we're ready to approach contact. I believe that at minimum, I need until February... plus I have a lot going on in January so that fits too. Not only am I gone to Jamaica, I also may be going to Florida and/or Colorado that month. And depending how things go... hopefully I'll get a call to go out to CT sometime in there.

I sent in my application to UCONN last night. I still have to request that my GMAT scores be sent, as well as send my transcripts, personal statement, resume, and other misc. My letters of reference are all set too. I think... it's gonna be ok. I still have to send U-Indiana and U-Toronto my apps, and make decisions on where else I want to apply (Yes, I'm still questioning the others...)

But... one is moving. And that is good. And I'm moving... forward... and that is good too.
nirvelli_lynn: (Default)
Last night Erica and I sent out 5 more resumes, all for michigan jobs. Yeah! Several just posted yesterday. We're actually snail-mailing everything we can because that way we can include her letters of recommedation. (If you send them via the internet, most of them only allow for one attachment.)

Tonight we're going to dinner with Shayla and Erin, our neighbors best friends/lesbian lawyer couple. *smile* We're gonna talk about getting some legal docs in place for a Will, Power of Attorney, Co-habitation, etc. Basically, solidify our relationship as legally as we are able. It's time.

We're also going to try to get some sort of life insurance on Erica. We're just gonna go with a cheap term policy to have something in place until Erica gets a job. Then we'll revamp it.

Planning for the future, whatever (or where ever) it may be.


nirvelli_lynn: (Default)

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