nirvelli_lynn: (Default)
It seems like forever since I posted. In fact, I think it has been. Sadly I can offer no promises of more frequent posts, but I at least wanted to get the core updates and ongoings posted.

So the big update is that I'm now engaged. Kate asked me to marry her while we were at Disney. It was amazing and very memorable. We have set the date for July 3, 2011. The date is kinda unusual in that it's on a Sunday, but the 4th is an official holiday so I'm hoping few people will have to work. Plus, it's actually traditional in Judaism to have wedding on Sundays so I kinda like it. Kate has since moved out to Washington and we've officially been living together for one month, come Sept 1. Honestly I love it. We took the first month to essentially paint the house (4 of the 5 rooms!), get unpacked and settle. It was nice to have that time to really adjust to each other.

My second year paper is nearly completed. It's taken longer than we expected, but that IS expected. I spent all summer gathering data, analyzing results, and writing the methodology section. I am the first of three authors. We are submitting the article to Academy of Management Journal. It's the top journal in my field. My advisor reviewed and essentially re-wrote a third of the paper which was expected but still a bit frustrating and embarrassing, (though I totally know I'm not bad for where I'm at in the program.) He said our writing was good for 1st years, but still needed work to get up to the level of an A journal. It was interesting to see his writing style and how much better his was... it makes me yearn to that good someday. He really thinks this has a shot at an A, and thus I am VERY appreciative that he put so much work into it.

I am meanwhile working on a paper with another prof (Kristine), using etsy to analyze small business entrepreneurship and co-opetition (when competitors co-operate in the market). We are in the exploratory phases of that one and I have to create a "random" list of participants by next week.

I am also reading a ton of stuff on IPOs (initial public offering - when a company first decides to "go public" and list their firm on the stock market) in order to write an abstract so I can attend an entrepreneurship conference, Babson. Babson only accepts about 250 of 700 abstracts each year and you have to be accepted to attend. That is due mid-October. Thankfully that paper will also work for one of my seminars.

Classes have started. I'm taking 2 stats and 2 seminars. It's interesting because my first year, my sole focus was getting through my classes. Now it's almost like classes are secondary. My primary focus is research and I'm trying to just get as much information from the seminars as possible while still keeping my focus. Thankfully I have no final exams this year. Only papers. I have an organizational behavior seminar and have no idea what my research area will be in... though another prof is possibly interested in the topic of creativity and I think that may be interesting... So that is more extra reading I need to work on to get ideas.

I have one idea for one of my dissertation papers. (I will be doing three small rather than one big.) It is in the area of IPOs and Entrepreneurship. My advisor came and talked to me a few days ago and apparently we have access (via his professional network) to a database of Chinese IPOs (which is very hard to get data on). I have been welcomed to join a phone conference between my advisor and 2 other profs at another university to discuss ideas and topics to consider. I am thrilled at the opportunity to expand my network like this. Plus I like the topic. Next semester my advisor will be leading an unofficial seminar in Entrepreneurship (It will officially be a 'directed study' and thus he won't get paid, but it will be just as intense as a regular seminar) and my cohorts and I are allowed to use whatever papers we develop in the class as part of our dissertation. So even though I'm only starting my second year, by the end of this year, I should have a good start at one, if not two of my dissertation papers.

I think the hardest thing right now is learning how to balance everything. Last year was difficult emotionally because I didn't have a support network here, but I therefor had nothing else to do but work. The negatives includes mild depression, counseling, and about $5000 in travel expenses. This year I have part of my support network here, but as result, have a playmate and thus don't want to work as much. Arguably this could make me equally or more productive in shorter amounts of time, but that I believe will be once I have that balance. I also feel a bit bad because I'm working so hard to find a balance here, that I feel like I'm neglecting other friends back home. This is hard because I do miss my people. And I know I'm not going to be traveling home nearly as much this year. Thanksgiving, then Winter break are the soonest at this point. Plus I am not planning on going home for Spring break in March. (We are planning a vacation with Mom.) I miss my people, but I also know that this year I have the strength to stay here longer and thus work harder towards my degree and future. Meanwhile, it's really nice to actually have someone in Pullman who I want to spend time with. It takes a bit of learning how to prioritize things again. I am fully confident that it will all work out, and that I'll have a schedule settled in the next week or so. Overall, I have absolutely no regrets, it's simply learning a new pattern. I am very happy with what I'm doing, where I'm going, and who I'm with. And I'm hoping, that by working so hard, I will be able to move back to the mid-west eventually.... so I can have more of my people again.


Mar. 11th, 2010 12:06 am
nirvelli_lynn: (Default)
I have an exam tomorrow... which I should pass. I know 95% of the material easily with just a bit more to review. The way he words things will be the only issue. But I know enough that I'm not freaking out...

I was going through my emails and deleting a lot of old or unwanted emails...everything from my bank info to letters from/to Naomi to my acceptance procedure/letters from WSU... Sometimes I still don't get why they took me... other times I know exactly why... Funny thing though... Thus far I have defied the odds... The GMAT is supposed to predict 1st year success ... I should be failing according to that... But I'm not. I'm doing well. I also found it interesting because a few weeks ago I took an IQ test... the official kind. (Friends in psych who need guinea pigs can be fun.) I did manage to be the rare exception as I had a melt down in the middle since one part totally triggered the memory of the GMAT. But in the end, it was all good... my primary score was invalid, but the generalized score put me between 120-139... Most likely, it's around 135... Soo... I'm not stupid. I've feared IQ tests for years because I feared they would tell me I barely made the cut of normal... So even if its only 120 I'd be happy simply knowing I'm not stupid... The GMAT made me feel like a complete idiot. It was horrible and I was devastated. ... I scored in the 15th percentile of quantitative skills... though in the 89th percentile for verbal. I failed the GMAT essentially... and when I took it again, I did worse than the first one (overall). I've felt and feared that I was basically stupid... I mean... I know I have to work harder than some people... than most actually... this stuff doesn't come easy to me. I see others simply manage to get by with much less. Typically I work ahead... I'm done with papers 2-3 days before they're due... I keep fighting to tell myself that I belong here...

And I am here... sometimes I look back at last April... and I remember how close I was to giving up... and I'm amazing that I am here... that things are the way they are... I'm in a program... a good program, with a really good advisor... I'll have publications in review by the end of the year... I'm happy... I'm whole... and I'm learning to trust myself... I know I still don't get it some times... how the hell I got here... how was chosen... I still challenge my worth and constantly have to prove (to myself) that I belong here... but... I am here. And I'm good. I probably will always challenge this... I'll always wonder how the hell I got here... what were they thinking when they chose "me"... but I'm learning to accept it, even with the wonder... And that's not a bad way to look at it.
nirvelli_lynn: (Default)
It's 10pm and I'm finally going home. I've been at my office since about 8am... thankfully this was not one of those morning I decided to be uber productive and arrive at my office at 7am... This week is kicking my ass... and it's not just school. Relationships are fcuked, classes are uber demanding (one class actually change from thursday to tuesday "this week only" which has totally messed up entire schedule) and I have my first outline for my research paper due. It's been grand. I can't even begin to express what's going on emotinally... so I don't. *shrug* And I'm ok with that. I can say that friends back home have been my saving grace. Mom is awsome as always. Kate has been my mainstay in stablity...which is really odd in some regards but we're at a really good place. Nicole is my sanity though even if all I get is snippets of brief conversation. And funny enough, Nadyne's 5 minute call when I was her sanity was just awesome :) 

I'm fine overall. trying to not be stressed to the hilt, and effectively managing my time so as to not be. My life is school. And I like that. I just wish I had wee bit less of the external stress... Oh well. I'll manage. 

Now I'm off to my room where a non-alcholic beer is calling my name... and perhaps a wee bit of netflix is calling softly...(that or I'll just study... could happen ;)  


Aug. 24th, 2009 07:53 pm
nirvelli_lynn: (Default)
Well, so far things are going well. The class that I'm TA for is gonna be fun. Getting my school schedule set up... is a whole nother story.  I met with my Advisor today and I'm not sure how much help he gave me... He made some suggestions which were useful, but mostly referred me to talk to the other PhD students (which I did). I think I got more useful information from them about which classes to take than my advisor. I also met my cohort. There were originally 4 of use, but one went home and the other girl from China doesn't seem to be able to get into the country... He mentioned another class that he's taking (which, in his defense, my advisor did mention at one time) and I signed up for that one too... Basically... I'm scheduled for 18 credits this semester... which is INSANE. However, I figure I can always drop the one(s) that don't work for me this Friday. I know I'll have a max of 15 credits... Here's the schedule so far...

... ) 

Basically, Monday and Wednesday I TA from 1:30-4:00. I may have the 596 seminar before that, but I don't know yet. Tuesday is BUSY... esp with the current (though temporary) schedule. Basically I swim from 8-9, and have class from 10:30-5:00. Depending what I drop, (which will likely be the second stats course) I may have more time in the mornings. We'll see... This first week is the testing grounds... I know I want to be pushed, but I also know that I want to find the balance between overwhelm and productively busy... so I'll see what I can do and simply drop out of whatever seems like it will take too much focus away from my Research Methods class, which is the most important class this semester (both the advisor and phd students agreed) 

So... tonight my goal is to crash early, get up early, maybe study before I swim, and just... enjoy the chaos *smile*
nirvelli_lynn: (Default)
 For as busy and emotionally stressing as today could be... I'm actually doing well.  I have my list of things to do. I'm dressed the part (of a TA) and feeling good. The surgery is on. Talked to Nao for an hour this morning. And ... things feel pretty good.

So... as I said to her... today is the first day of the rest of our lives... me towards getting my phd... Nao... for a cancer free... and chemo free... existence. Both of us beginning.
nirvelli_lynn: (Default)
So... I realized I should really stop neglecting my journal. :)

Today mom and I are working on getting stuff done in the office, and later Kate is coming over to go over more office to-do stuff and all that jazz.

Tonight I have dinner with Larisa and Rich at the WIG here in Owosso, and then Steve is coming to town so I'm really excited to see him.

Tomorrow is Steve-Dadra-Tera Day and we'll be hanging out at Dadra's all day watching movies and playing games. (Dadra just had total knee construction surgery last Tuesday so its all inside/sit down play for us)

Sunday I really need to work on my paper and then I have softball practice in the evening...I may also try to stop by Beer Ball to see Casey play. :) 

Next week is realativly calm... I have a game on Tuesday... and that's it for the social stuff... so I'll be packing/sorting/writing my paper most of the week...

Nao arrives on Aug party/last night in MI is on the 31st... and we head out the 1st.

I'm really getting excited about the whole dorm life... Yesterday I spent the evening drawing my dorm room in chalk on the driveway. I've decided to get a loft and have the entire layout of my dorm already set. (WHOO!) I also decided that the only extra furniture I need is a futon which will sit on the floor/against the wall like a floor couch, and bookshelves to fit underneath the loft.  I even know when Malcom is gonna go!

Drawing on the sidewalk was really fun and really helped me decide what goes where. I think the only question I have about the loft bed.. is what does one do with the bed frame?  


Jun. 19th, 2009 11:43 am
nirvelli_lynn: (Default)
Naomi goes into surgery next week. She will be setting the exact date later today. The tumor is becoming resistant to chemo so the surgery has to be asap. The tumor also isn't small enough for a laser surgery so the tradititional surgery (or scaple surgery, as Nao calls it) is the only option. Apparently it grew very quickly while she was in michigan when she wasn't on chemo so there is a significant level of urgency that goes along with this. The recovery could be anywhere from 2-6 weeks, but the dr thinks that with Nao's "stubbornness", an early recovery is very possible.

Honestly I'm a little freaked out and simply scared for her. I also wish I was there, but I knew her friend Jeff will be, so she isn't alone. I still don't like it, but I have too many things here that I simply can't leave right now... it's a sucky situation, but I can't change it. I have been working my arse off in the meantime to get things ready to go. Honestly, a part of me would love to leave a week early to take the train out to denver next month, but I'm not sure that's a good  idea either. I know I have to move at the pace that is best for me. And I am. If things change along the way, ok, but now I have to do what I need to do in the meantime...

Currently that's finish my semester, write my paper for Econ from last semester, and pack. I wish I had more flexibility in my schedule. I was hoping to get out to Cali this summer but that plan got shot away long ago. I wanted this summer to be an easy and fun time before I started school... but the whole UM screw up really screwed me over. I hate this. I hate that my last "free" summer is now shot. And I know I'm feeling this even more because I would like to be able to be there for Nao.

I'm simply not happy about all this
nirvelli_lynn: (Default)
The grad school wait is over... It's done.

Now I simply restart, re-evaluate, make a plan, and try again. I've called the schools and requested an evaluation of my file so I can identify the weaknesses and remedy them as best as I can. I know the GMAT is the biggest problem. I also am realizing that linear algebra is among my weakest mathmatically. So... I'll work on that. Maybe even via a class. I also know that math-based logic is also a problem and this will be addressed too.  I found an application on facebook that asks 3 questions a day and it's simply helping me get back into math mentality.

I have two papers to write then my semester is over and second degree complete. I don't know where to go from here, but it sounds like a masters in Soc. will do little good. If I want a masters, a math degree was suggested... and... well... that's almost laughable. I'm just not that good, and nor do I want documentation of much I suck.

I am going to try to make in roads to MSU. I need to find people who know people in the business school... it's not that I necessarily want to go to MSU, but I want to find out if I can offer myself as an unpaid research assistant for a day a week or so. I don't care what I would be doing, copies even, I just know I need to stay in the academic environment and UM-Flint just isn't gonna cut it. The profs I talked to said this wasn't a bad idea.

I don't know what to do about my life. I don't know if I stay or go... I don't know. I don't know if I should stay living at home, move back to the house, or find a place to be in Lansing.  I don't know.

Random quote from House: 

"Living in misery sucks marginally less than dying in it."

Grad Apps

Apr. 2nd, 2009 04:50 pm
nirvelli_lynn: (Default)
I called the remaining schools today and found out that I am still in the running at Washington State, U Washington, U Toronto, and UConn. Wash State has already sent out their round 1 offers but apparently I am still in consideratin for round 2. U Wash has only made one offer in all of the biz programs, U Toronto has me still under consideration and UConn has a list of people they are sending letters of denial to... and I'm NOT on that list... I was told that the Mngt prog is really meticulous and while they can't say that I'm gonna get a call, they have not yet made any calls. :) So...

So far so good...

This simple knowledge of knowing (at least vaguely) where I'm at, helps me cope tremendously.
nirvelli_lynn: (Default)
I'm finally getting to the point where waiting is getting to me. I haven't heard from UConn since the interview and I've still got 6 other schools out there who didn't contact me. I'm feeling like I failed. I'm feeling like my life is influx and I can't move forward. I want to know if I've not been accepted, because at least then I could move on, change direction, realize that maybe I'm going the wrong direction and just... start moving! I hate this. I feel like I'm going no where. I feel like everything is stagnant and my anxiety to deal with this... is getting higher as my tolerance gets lower. I know being sick the past few days is adding to this. I know the breakup with Kate is wearing on me too. I just want to MOVE and I can't. I don't want to pursue plan B yet... I do know of several options...several things I could do, people to contact etc... but I don't want to do that yet until I have a fcuking CLUE. So I'm left just sitting here... feeling like I failed... waiting and unable to move in any direction. I'm emotional and starting to feel the onset of self deprecation. This just sucks. I feel myself slipping a bit. Nicole stated... "Maybe it's just today."
nirvelli_lynn: (Default)
I received a letter today from UConn and I've been very nicely and succinctly rejected. I still haven't heard from Washington State (or any other school) yet. WSU contacted me awhile ago asking for more information to strengthen my case to the review board. I was told that while I did not meet the qualifications and thus immediately rejected, the school of business was requesting a reconsideration and thus asked for more information to strengthen my case. The fact that I haven't yet heard from them *crosses fingers* I'm taking as a good sign.

So... 1 down... 8 to go.

We'll see where this story lands.

In the meantime (and to keep me from going into all out anxiety-mode), I've been researching other options and schools in a master's program. I don't know my plan if I don't get in... I don't know if I take the GMAT again and try again next year in this field, or look at Economic Sociology as what I should consider (the masters then PhD) at some other schools. I don't know if I would stay in Michigan and keep working or attempt to get into another program. I really don't know. I have looked at some of the options... and they vary.

It's very hard living in ambigity
nirvelli_lynn: (Default)
My anxiety is still really high. Yesterday was the deadline for my recommendations to get in... and one didn't make it. My saving grace was that I sent in my mom's so the minimum was met. As result I called the person recommending me and simply asked her to tell me what she can reasonably do as I'll make other arrangement and use my mom's letter.  It's actually not a big deal if she can't, I simply NEED TO KNOW so I don't miss a deadline. One deadline was already missed and I basically may not get into the school as result. And I'm ok with that in that specific case as because the school wasn't one I really had my hopes on... but if she screwed up the rest... I'd be devistated.

This simply makes my anxiety higher than I need it right now.

I've basically been internalizing a lot of things lately. And I'm ok with this... with this much going on... my primary focus has been schools and I put everything else "inside" for awhile. But since my apps are in... the internal is becoming more conscious...(but not external which is kinda nice) so it isn't bad, but the additional anxiety doesn't help when it should be over...

I'm learning it's never over.
nirvelli_lynn: (Default)
My anxiety is a bit high today... I have submitted all the applications and am done with essays and expenses (and damn was it expensive!). I still have follow up with my letters of rec as there are several still out there that need to be completed. UCONN is the only application competed at this point and I have 8 more that are nearly finished... Yes... that means I applied to 9 grad schools...


I feel kinda like this will never be over as I still am waiting on my last few transcripts to send out....following up on letters of rec...and mailing in some supplemental materials (but have to wait on transcripts)... I know it's nearly over... but damn.

I just want this to be over... Please?

Grad Apps

Dec. 24th, 2008 12:34 am
nirvelli_lynn: (Default)

Applications are in progress... I will have 5 schools submitted before I leave for Jamaica. The last thing to one final check on my personal statement before sending that off, sending off transcripts, and later following up with letters of recommendation. wowsah.

And I am totally and emotionally exhausted now.


Dec. 17th, 2008 01:52 pm
nirvelli_lynn: (Default)
Last night I talked to Kate and we called it good. Friday was the last day I saw her, and we ended on a neutral note... so we decided to break as now. We're not talking again until I get back from Jamaica. And we both know that we're merely 'touching base' at that point. I mentioned that we may need a few months until we're ready to approach contact. I believe that at minimum, I need until February... plus I have a lot going on in January so that fits too. Not only am I gone to Jamaica, I also may be going to Florida and/or Colorado that month. And depending how things go... hopefully I'll get a call to go out to CT sometime in there.

I sent in my application to UCONN last night. I still have to request that my GMAT scores be sent, as well as send my transcripts, personal statement, resume, and other misc. My letters of reference are all set too. I think... it's gonna be ok. I still have to send U-Indiana and U-Toronto my apps, and make decisions on where else I want to apply (Yes, I'm still questioning the others...)

But... one is moving. And that is good. And I'm moving... forward... and that is good too.
nirvelli_lynn: (Default)
I currently have a very calm weekend ahead of me. Should be nice. Holiday was fun much more social than I even could have anticipated! Wednesday night I went out and Thursday I got down with my pie-making self and made 2 wicked good pies! Go me for never using a recipe and making an amazing berry pie *smile*

Today I worked a bit, shopped a bit (no not the evil but rather enjoyable shopping experience) and chilled with mom. So far, I'm not complaining.

Oh, I also got another draft of my essay completed and shipped it off to Casey to reveiw. Next stop is Nadyne, and then perhaps a few others to help with final proofing. It's making a lot of headway. And the really nice thing is that once this is done, I can basically get most of my essays and apps out there. AND I was uber productive last Wednesday and requested all my transcripts. :) (Honestly one of the hardest parts.) So... I'm making my way... we'll just see where I land.
nirvelli_lynn: (Default)
 Well... I've decided on 5 schools to apply to for the phd programs... I may also be looking into some sociology master's programs but I have some work to find schools of interest before doing so.  But... the schools that I'm looking at are:
  • University of Toronto
  • University of Seattle (a long shot.... but still on my list
  • Queens University (Kingston, Ontario)
  • University of Connecticut (I may be traveling here in the next few weeks)
  • University of Cincinnati
I'm starting to realized what this entails... I know I won't have a life for the next 5+ years. Do I know if I'm ready?  I don't know if this is something one ever really KNOWS they are ready for.... But I know that I'm gonna try. I know that if don't get into any programs, I'm gonna keep trying. It would totally suck to have to wait another year.  I don't even know what I would do with myself outside of studying to conquer the GMAT. I know I would take a few classes in Linear Algebra and some other advanced math classes... And I would keep working to conquer that damn test. But I would do it.  I don't want to... but I will. If I'm not ready yet, I will be by next year. I am considering taking the test again in January. That way I could still apply the better test scores to my current apps. I don't know if I'm gonna do this yet. Right now, I'm working on each individual application. It's a process... but one I'm not giving up on.

And yes... I did look up the links... I listened to the speaker/student in Chicago who basically said that he has no life... and I understand that. It will be interesting to live... but I want this... if I can't have it now... I will have it. For the first time, something is not coming easy... it's a change for me ;) 

But I'm not giving up. 

nirvelli_lynn: (Default)

I was searching through old boxes today and found some things I'd thought long since gone - namely pictures and letters from Brazil. I've not seen pictures from Brazil in over 15 years... and found letters from [ profile] warsop , Becky, mom, casey, dad, and many other people. I had a lot of support while I was gone... I even found a journal that I'd kept while I was there. So much has changed since then.

It was nice to find those memories though... Tera at 15... wow.

Tonight my anxiety is high so I'm trying a new med. It should also help me sleep. I've been working on my personal statement all weekend and I have to combine it with my Statement of Purpose... (what types of questions I want to address... etc)  and depending on the school, add that to the statement, or do a seperate essay. This stuff is a bitch... but... with help... I know it will be fine.  I'm just having a hard time not fighting myself on all of this... Sometimes, I know I deliberately set myself up for failure and I'm struggling to stop doing this. And that task is taking a bit out of me right now.  But... all will be fine. I'll simply do everything I can... and... now should attempt sleep.

nirvelli_lynn: (Default)
Well... my tests are done. They didn't go wonderfully... and I may consider re-taking the GRE cause I think I actually could do a bit better if I studied the test questions and types a bit more. We'll see if it would be to my advantage. I don't know. For now, I'm gonna start working on the application essays, getting my transcripts where they need to be, and letters of reference taken care of. Next week I'll be contacting schools and possibly getting my resume sent out as requested (which has been the case, but I'd yet to do). I need to know if my scores automatically prevent me from appling to specific schools and for specific programs. I guess.. we'll see.

I did get my classes set for next semester. Looks like I'll be taking a class on "Labor, Gender, and Inequality", which I find kinda interesting to say the least. That plus an independant study on entrepreneurship. So... yeah. It looks decent. Plus, class is on Wednesday nights so I'll have no problem with Sistrum conflicts.


Oct. 6th, 2008 01:00 pm
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I found out last week that one my applications is due October 15th. Yikes! Apparently in order to get funding through this program, I have to have everything now! I'm not sure I'll make it... which sucks...because I have to get so much in place, including letters of reference. Granted, I have a few of those in the works right now, but my biggest concern is that I haven't retaken the GMAT....not to mention get all my transcripts and such in place.  I have a not to call Cambridge tomorrow first thing... because I got into my office this afternoon due to therapy in Chelsea, I missed their office hours.

I would like this... I just have to keep my fingers crossed to do so.


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