nirvelli_lynn

I guess that about sums it up. though "hellish" is another way I wouldn't argue. I'm not behind, not really. Here's the update...

Industrial/Organizational Psychology:
This class was recommended by my department. I have one paper that is due today submitted and over. That class simply has a final exam that I'm not worried about. Class has been more of an annoyance than a learning scenario. No one really cares about it...the professor is new and I don't feel that I too much of anything away from it. The readings were from 3 official hand books and we essentially had duplicated readings every week. It finally got to the point where we all just cut the reading load in 1/2 and didn't bother with the other half. It never mattered for discussions nor the exam and since the info was 90% the "exact same" it was just stupid. We never once saw an article from a journal in the area. That class also required weekly homework that honestly was more like busy work than anything useful. We also had two exams (which is unheard of in a seminar class) and a final paper due. The class, as a group, hates going and we're all very happy to be done.

Public Policy
This class was sadly more insightful than the I/O Psych... and I found and took this one just to make my life difficult. :) (Yes, I'm truely a masochist.) But I found several areas of crossover and while I won't take another polisci class, I don't regret taking this one. Overall the class was not difficult. I had to write 6 summaries of the readings which constituted 60% of my grade. 20% is my final paper and the rest was attendance. I've been working on the final paper throughout the semester and got my summaries done as soon as I could in the semester. The problem now is that I'm supposed to be finishing that paper right now.... Yes, I'll get on that soon.

Multivariate Analysis (Statistics)
Ironically, I liked this class... Yes it's hard and yes it kicked my ass sometimes, but we had a departmental group study that was awesome. The grade is entirely homework based and I think I could not even turn in my 7th homework assignment and still get at worst a B. The class was really good and I've learned tons.

Strategy Seminar
This class was amazing.... and difficult. My frustrations currently are a bit high but this is honestly due to my stress load. This was by far the most difficult class we have. We had weekly reading of about 9 articles (about 300+ pages) and each of us was assigned about 2 summaries. I have no complaints in that area because it was all so useful. We also had a thought paper due (~8pgs) in September which was our first attempt at a mini-paper. our paper (~25pgs) was due mid November and then we did peer-reviews. The final paper is due next wednesday. We also have a presentation of the paper the following friday... all this is no big deal really.... Yes, it has been a ton of work but it's been good.... However... in addition to that... we have a 4 hour final exam Dec 18th. That is what is killing me... It's not the paper or presentation or exam alone... its the combination of all three that is killing me...

My anxiety is so high lately that Ive started taking xanex just to keep things in check. In fact, I have to go to the doctor about it because I think I've been having some pretty serious mini-attacks which have caused shooting and stabbing pain in my chest. I had 3 during break but haven't had one since so that is a good thing... but yes... i'm a bit uber stressed.

Today I don't have my poli sci class and thus will be writing my paper the moment I am done with this. I only have the Discussion section of my Strategy paper to complete and I'll work on the presentation next week... what I honestly freaked out about is the mini-comps exam. We are given 15 questions in advance, pull 2 out of a hat then have one "surprise" essay.

I know I'm not behind... This is just ... not easy.... And I know this is expected as part of my program but I also know that my strategy class is much harder than those before my cohort group has experienced... I just... want to do well... but I also just wish my anxiety was a bit lower throughout this process.

Well... I'm on break. Thus I actually have a moment ... albeit at 11pm at night. I met Mom in Seattle on Thursday night. I ended up driving with my friend Michaela who is totally ADHD... and thus learned that ADHD kids are AWESOME at keeping you awake and making for a very short 5 hour drive. (Actually I made it in just over 4 but didn't arrive to mom's hotel til the 5 hour mark.) It was honestly a fun time.

Mom and I explored Pike's Market and found a hotel and ended up meeting warsop in downtown Seattle since she was there working for the mothership... Still am shocked our scheduled allowed for that. But it was really nice seeing her. She looks great and it made me realize that it really has been awhile since I saw her last... for all the work chaos I know she gets to deal with, it seems like she's doing really well... which was really good to see.

Saturday Mom and I drove up to bellingham to meet Kirsten and see The Great Big Sea in concert.... *smile* WOW. Totally amazing. I need to find a festival that they play at .... that would be the perfect venue to see them in the future. They played Consequence Free and Ordinary Day plus many others... It was a long concert actually... And well worth it.

Tomorrow we head back to Seattle... and Tuesday I head back over the mountains back to Pullman... Honestly.... I really want to go home... to Michigan... I miss home... as much as I love what I'm doing here and love being here with mom and all.... I really miss home...

sidenote... for all revolutions and bigger picture than one can see.... it still hurts like hell when being cut out from someone else's life

It's 10pm and I'm finally going home. I've been at my office since about 8am... thankfully this was not one of those morning I decided to be uber productive and arrive at my office at 7am... This week is kicking my ass... and it's not just school. Relationships are fcuked, classes are uber demanding (one class actually change from thursday to tuesday "this week only" which has totally messed up entire schedule) and I have my first outline for my research paper due. It's been grand. I can't even begin to express what's going on emotinally... so I don't. *shrug* And I'm ok with that. I can say that friends back home have been my saving grace. Mom is awsome as always. Kate has been my mainstay in stablity...which is really odd in some regards but we're at a really good place. Nicole is my sanity though even if all I get is snippets of brief conversation. And funny enough, Nadyne's 5 minute call when I was her sanity was just awesome :) 

I'm fine overall. trying to not be stressed to the hilt, and effectively managing my time so as to not be. My life is school. And I like that. I just wish I had wee bit less of the external stress... Oh well. I'll manage. 

Now I'm off to my room where a non-alcholic beer is calling my name... and perhaps a wee bit of netflix is calling softly...(that or I'll just study... could happen ;)  

Last week I made a last minute decision. I decided on Wedesday night that I was going home... and left Thursday evening. It was the best decision I could have made. I needed my family and friends. I needed intense socialization... And I got it. The travel fairies were with me and instead of arriving in DTW at 1pm, I was able to get a direct flight from Seattle and arrived at 6am. This involved a midnight phone call to Kate requesting a pickup within a few hours. (Kate had agreed to pick me up which allowed mom to still take patients.) Kate was actually gonna be working that day... but since Kate still works for mom... there is a lot of flexibilty in her schedule ;)  Friday a wonderful and calm start to my weekend... (barring the guy who attempted-and partially succeeded- in a killing spree that morning). I saw a movie and went out to eat with Mom, Dadra, and Kate, then played Keno at the Korner Pub.

Saturday was the BBQ of Doom sponsored by Nikki & Jim. We drove up the driveway and Nikki was so surpised to see me that she lept over the charcoal grill (which was on) and nearly tackled me to the ground. She was so excited... and it was such a beautiful welcome home.

The BBQ of Doom equates to tons of beer, late night wrestling, and extreme croquet. (Definition of extreme croquet? It starts on the roof of the garage and you have to get the ball through the wicket as it rolls over shingles and off the roof... it's kinda like plingo. The next wickets involve rolling the ball up a child's slide, over a mud pit, up a rug and over a wheel barrow... and let's not forget the "sprint around the house" part...basically.. it's a wonderful and crazy game). Casey came and hung out which was also really nice.

Sunday mom took (a barely awake) me to the airport and I was gone by 7am. It was a whirlwind... but truely an amazing one. I feel refreshed. I feel like I can not only do the work I need to do, but I can mentally comprehend it. I have a lot of work to do, but I believe that I can manage my time well and will do well this week. I feel like... I got a reboot.

And I needed it..

I'm starting to realize that isolating myself is not exactly a good idea. 

Tonight was my first Shabat... 
It was a very small and (I'm told) informal Shabat... but it was really nice. I met several people in the jewish community here in Moscow/Pullman and found it really welcoming. I'm open (but not proclaiming) that I'm new to judaism but I didn't mention that I was *that* new. Yes I've been to a synagogue but not that was on a Saturday. The ceremony was not long and there was a lot of group reading... I think the thing that I found most intriguing was that I was speaking (or attempting to speak) words that I had no clue as to the meaning... and I found... how can I say it... "soft power" (?) in those words.... The english translation was read after the hebrew and the words were very beautiful... but the depth was actual when they were read in their native tongue... 

I'm not one for blind faith... I've been there and done that... and attempted to convert a lot of people along the way... but there is something that fits for me... not like a blinding flash of light... but small moment... certain words or phrases... or even intonations... that are calming... calling... and I get lost in those words.... for just a brief moment. I'm not thinking about my day.. or what I have to do... but just listening. This is one of those things that I think may be better left unexplained... but I think the idea of "soft power" is the best way I can describe it... At least for now... I know I'm in the right place... and I will keep going. 

After Shabat I went out with 2 other girls and another guy. It was actually a lot of fun. One girl is definitely hard to handle... She actually pushes me to my level of tolerance and was one of the primary reasons I left "early". The other girl, Mckayla, is really nice. She's a freshman this year, but I like her. She actually came up to me and offered to teach me Hebrew!!!! :) I'm really excited. It's not gonna be anything intense... but we're both here for awhile... so I'm pretty sure that I'll learn a lot. She also invited me back to Seattle for Rosh Hoshana and Yom Kippur. I may actually go.  I think I'd like to... I'm not sure how I'll manage it. But I'm gonna play with the idea. 

So... tonight was both... nice and fun... and while that feels like an odd combination... given the events, I'm gonna go with it.  i like being here...

Well, so far things are going well. The class that I'm TA for is gonna be fun. Getting my school schedule set up... is a whole nother story.  I met with my Advisor today and I'm not sure how much help he gave me... He made some suggestions which were useful, but mostly referred me to talk to the other PhD students (which I did). I think I got more useful information from them about which classes to take than my advisor. I also met my cohort. There were originally 4 of use, but one went home and the other girl from China doesn't seem to be able to get into the country... He mentioned another class that he's taking (which, in his defense, my advisor did mention at one time) and I signed up for that one too... Basically... I'm scheduled for 18 credits this semester... which is INSANE. However, I figure I can always drop the one(s) that don't work for me this Friday. I know I'll have a max of 15 credits... Here's the schedule so far...

( ... ) 

Basically, Monday and Wednesday I TA from 1:30-4:00. I may have the 596 seminar before that, but I don't know yet. Tuesday is BUSY... esp with the current (though temporary) schedule. Basically I swim from 8-9, and have class from 10:30-5:00. Depending what I drop, (which will likely be the second stats course) I may have more time in the mornings. We'll see... This first week is the testing grounds... I know I want to be pushed, but I also know that I want to find the balance between overwhelm and productively busy... so I'll see what I can do and simply drop out of whatever seems like it will take too much focus away from my Research Methods class, which is the most important class this semester (both the advisor and phd students agreed) 

So... tonight my goal is to crash early, get up early, maybe study before I swim, and just... enjoy the chaos *smile*

So everything begins tomorrow....
I start my TA position.... and Naomi has her surgery. She's almost finisihed with the divorce settlement... she's a lot nicer than I am... seeing as right now Jeff is seeking 35% of her ranch and not wanting her to press charges for horse theft. (he sold off 90% of her herd while she's been here) Tomorrow is the surgery and my TA... as it happens I'll be in session when the drs are most likely to call so I'll get done and find out how it went... (and yes, i'm supressing the phrase "if she makes it")   she has a 50-60% of it not reoccuring... the wait and pushing back of the surgery lowered the odds from 85%... *sigh*

But... there is nothing I can do but let the drs do their jobs. I have my own life to fulfil and it also begins tomorrow. classes start tuesday... and go ALL DAY (like  10-2 on tuesday and 10-5 on thursday but I also have a swimming class from 8-9 so basically yes... all day).

I like my program. I like that I can also focus on it.. .even with the external stuff... I can honestly say I'm ok... and I'll be good.... timing sucks, and i'm thinking of taking part of my 3 day weekend to go see Nao after the first week... but I have focus... and feel good. Yes I'm scared for her. no matter who she was or what my relationship with was... I'd be scared for her... it's just part of me ... to care.... and I dont mind that part of me.

otherwise... I"m just happy to be off my feet. (I have plantar faciatis in my right foot) and glad I have little walking to do tomorrow. 

I've also celebrated my first week of school with a bottle of wine.. which will totally help me sleep tonight. YAY 

Well, after nearly 3 weeks with no internet, I finally am settled in my room and have internet access once again. I have much to do and catch up on...

I traveled cross country in a Penske truck and officially have moved to the west coast. I love my dorm.... I love that it's mine... all mine... and only mine... I have a safe place... one that I love and feel comfortable in. I have keys to my building, an office space that I share with 2 other Phd students, and I've been managing my way around campus quite well. My orientations went really well and included a TON of info (like free printing in the graduate study area!) and useful tools for when I TA. I am not yet assigned to any prof for my TAing but I'm not worried. I bought a few of the books for classes and basically have the rest of the week free to finish decorating and organizing my dorm room, taking care of administrative details, and learning the public transit system.

The trip out here was good, but long... possibly too long. But I did get to do and see things I may never had had the chance to do... We stayed in the UT Arches National Park... I played in salt lakes and on a salt field... I saw crater lake oregon... stopped at wineries in oregon and washington... saw the highest suspension bridge in the world (across a gorge) and may other random and little things...

The worst part of the trip was that Malcolm didn't make it... he died in Oregon... He nearly made it... *sigh* It was simply too stressful for him... the bumps (physically being jostled about) and the smaller cage... and I think the temperature changes were just too much... *sigh* that sucked.  I currently have his cage partiallly set up... maybe I'm hoping to sometime get a new one... I don't know...

Nao and I had a few rough patches. Everything is not fine, but she knows how to make it right. We'll simply see how it goes. All in all, I can say that I'm really happy to have my own space... and the trip, and the time with her, actually helped me distance myself more and will allow me to focus on school. I know the amount of space I need from her (which is actually a lot compared to past situations and relationships, but I think it's simply healthy for me to know this) . I still choose to be with her but I'm glad for the time away... the space both allows us time (maybe it's even more for me than her) and allows me to focus and create my own life here. I would have it, and allow it no other way. Funny how hard... even harsh that sounds... but I am content with that and know that I am doing the right thing for me. Its... kinda nice to do that for once *smile* I think I like it... and even better... I know I can keep it up. *smile*