Catalyst

Tired, dried out tears

Emotions running dry

Time to seek for Solace

By taking time Inside

While I hate this place, This being me.

I know Only I can Change

So I’ll take the lead

And walk right in

Amidst the fear and rage

Hoping to fine what I’m looking for

Hoping to find it Soon

Cause I’m a lot worse off not Knowing

And change needs a catalyst to Bloom.

Stability

Finding Stability. Stone. somewhere Inside. Being of water, this is more difficult than I

Would have guessed

So life is Shattered around me. Externally I’m flawed.

So it’s suggested to seek Inside. And find my own Space to call

Home.

Because seeking Peace in others, creates a volatile state

And with so much around me. Chaos. It’s Time to remedy this Place.

So I’ll Travel Inward. with Outward helps to guide

And find the Peace I need to find

Solidity Inside

Me

Avalon

I met with mom today. This morning. It was good. Not wonderful. But good. I said much of what needed to be said. It wasn't perfect. It never is. But we agreed that we both need space. Actually she said she needed space from me, and I agreed that it was a good idea. So I'm taking next week off... a random paid vacation. I can't complain in some ways... I allows me space. In some ways I hate it.. because work has helped me keep "busy". But I also know this time will be good. 

I've decided to go up to Avalon. I'll find somewhere to stay, either with family or my godfather. But I need that place. I always find my bearing there... and I am so in need of bearings.  Avalon is my sacred place... "my soul's home" as I've so often called it.  And I am so lost... that it's time to go home. So I'm actually thinking of leaving on Sunday at around 12:30 (after Easter Brunch with Dadra, Sandra & my mom) and heading up there. I've got a call into my cousin. I'd only stay for one night and get back in time for Sistrum at 7pm. A short trip... one that may even be repeated later in the week. I don't know. But I need to go Home. And I need to go now. I know this will help. It will reboot me. It will allow me to stabilize. 

I can't stabilize at my house Nadyne. I know what you're saying about making my house.. mine... and finding stability there... but my house is not my "home"... it is a safe place... I will find a way to make it this... but Avalon is my home. That is where I need to go.  And I can take that home with me. Inside. And find stability there... I know it's what I need. And you were right. I need this.  I just need Avalon to find and create it.

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Yesterday I had a moment, when I stopped, looked in the mirror and just realized how far I'd come. It's amazing how good one can look and feel externally, while being quite the opposite internally.  But nonetheless, it made me really proud to realize that I finally am getting comfortable with myself physically. And I found some pictures that I wanted to post... mostly just to remind me of that... So these are from the past 4 months

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And this is why I love Dadra

Dadra says it best.  "Avalon is my detox."  

*grin*

Avalon

And that makes me realize... so few people have seen Avalon.  It's not a place I hide actually. I TRY to share. But yet... Erica never saw Avalon.  Yet I don't know if she would have "got it"... Avalon is just a place to most people. But somehow... I connect there. With everything. She makes me ...whole. Dadra gets it... or maybe she just feels Avalon through me. Autumn has been there... I think even she got it. I think she got more than I gave her credit for actually.  But so few others... have met her... Avalon. She's a place I would love to share... more.  Because she's magical to me. Even if it's only me who sees this... I'm ok. But she's still pretty to everyone else. :)

I don't know how else to describe it... but it's like I connect with everything...all the elements... the earth, the trees, the lake, the water, the air, the wind, the sky and the stars, and the fire. The sunsets which lay across the water with ripples of glitter.  

It just makes me whole.  I feel better even just knowing, realizing that I'm going. That alone makes me "better."   And for once... in what seems so very much a long time... I feel like I'm smiling again... Inside.