perception
Dec. 7th, 2009 02:01 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
nirvelli_lynnApparently people (presumably family members who are "Friends") have been making comments to my mom questioning whether or not I can make it in my program.... The comments I make on facebook are apparently giving the implication that question my ability...
Mom has told me this more than once... *sigh* I wish there were some things my mom would just not tell me... I mean... right now... I really don't want to hear that people question my abilities to do this. **I** am questioning these things, though my gut level says I'll make it... however I go through some times when I really just want to ... stop. But I force myself to keep going... and I do. And I typically do it well.
There are some things that concern me... there are some things I need to go see a doctor about even... my anxiety is the primary reason. ... I am having a lot of aches in places I shouldn't... breathing sometimes is hard and my chest and sometimes back ache a lot. I think that the problem is panic attacks and tightness in my intercostals... which is common in stress... I've depleted my adrenals and I know it. Though I should say in my defense that I'm not on any regular anti-depressants. I have taken xanex a few times during the day and the past week I've been taking klonopin to sleep... so I've been learning to handle 95% of this stress and lifestyle on my own... drug free.
However, all I have to do is make it though this week and a final the following week. I am exhausted but cannot sleep... I've learned this is typical.
Adding to the stress is the fact that I'm still having to deal with Naomi who has yet to give me back my belongings... and the money she owes me... and trying to deal a bit in advance with the one negative aspect of going home... and basically trying to negate that before it happens... Otherwise I'm really happy and excited to go home. Though I still will not sleep in my mom's house alone unless my door is locked.
I'm overly stressed...yes. overly taxed... yes...do I sometimes want to just not do this anymore? sometimes... yes... but I really want this... But I also don't want to hear about people who think I won't make it. Maybe that's asking too much... but I'm still asking.
*sigh* I really should be sleeping... I have a 7am alarm tomorrow...
Mom has told me this more than once... *sigh* I wish there were some things my mom would just not tell me... I mean... right now... I really don't want to hear that people question my abilities to do this. **I** am questioning these things, though my gut level says I'll make it... however I go through some times when I really just want to ... stop. But I force myself to keep going... and I do. And I typically do it well.
There are some things that concern me... there are some things I need to go see a doctor about even... my anxiety is the primary reason. ... I am having a lot of aches in places I shouldn't... breathing sometimes is hard and my chest and sometimes back ache a lot. I think that the problem is panic attacks and tightness in my intercostals... which is common in stress... I've depleted my adrenals and I know it. Though I should say in my defense that I'm not on any regular anti-depressants. I have taken xanex a few times during the day and the past week I've been taking klonopin to sleep... so I've been learning to handle 95% of this stress and lifestyle on my own... drug free.
However, all I have to do is make it though this week and a final the following week. I am exhausted but cannot sleep... I've learned this is typical.
Adding to the stress is the fact that I'm still having to deal with Naomi who has yet to give me back my belongings... and the money she owes me... and trying to deal a bit in advance with the one negative aspect of going home... and basically trying to negate that before it happens... Otherwise I'm really happy and excited to go home. Though I still will not sleep in my mom's house alone unless my door is locked.
I'm overly stressed...yes. overly taxed... yes...do I sometimes want to just not do this anymore? sometimes... yes... but I really want this... But I also don't want to hear about people who think I won't make it. Maybe that's asking too much... but I'm still asking.
*sigh* I really should be sleeping... I have a 7am alarm tomorrow...
