ponderings
Mar. 11th, 2010 12:06 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
nirvelli_lynnI have an exam tomorrow... which I should pass. I know 95% of the material easily with just a bit more to review. The way he words things will be the only issue. But I know enough that I'm not freaking out...
I was going through my emails and deleting a lot of old or unwanted emails...everything from my bank info to letters from/to Naomi to my acceptance procedure/letters from WSU... Sometimes I still don't get why they took me... other times I know exactly why... Funny thing though... Thus far I have defied the odds... The GMAT is supposed to predict 1st year success ... I should be failing according to that... But I'm not. I'm doing well. I also found it interesting because a few weeks ago I took an IQ test... the official kind. (Friends in psych who need guinea pigs can be fun.) I did manage to be the rare exception as I had a melt down in the middle since one part totally triggered the memory of the GMAT. But in the end, it was all good... my primary score was invalid, but the generalized score put me between 120-139... Most likely, it's around 135... Soo... I'm not stupid. I've feared IQ tests for years because I feared they would tell me I barely made the cut of normal... So even if its only 120 I'd be happy simply knowing I'm not stupid... The GMAT made me feel like a complete idiot. It was horrible and I was devastated. ... I scored in the 15th percentile of quantitative skills... though in the 89th percentile for verbal. I failed the GMAT essentially... and when I took it again, I did worse than the first one (overall). I've felt and feared that I was basically stupid... I mean... I know I have to work harder than some people... than most actually... this stuff doesn't come easy to me. I see others simply manage to get by with much less. Typically I work ahead... I'm done with papers 2-3 days before they're due... I keep fighting to tell myself that I belong here...
And I am here... sometimes I look back at last April... and I remember how close I was to giving up... and I'm amazing that I am here... that things are the way they are... I'm in a program... a good program, with a really good advisor... I'll have publications in review by the end of the year... I'm happy... I'm whole... and I'm learning to trust myself... I know I still don't get it some times... how the hell I got here... how was chosen... I still challenge my worth and constantly have to prove (to myself) that I belong here... but... I am here. And I'm good. I probably will always challenge this... I'll always wonder how the hell I got here... what were they thinking when they chose "me"... but I'm learning to accept it, even with the wonder... And that's not a bad way to look at it.
I was going through my emails and deleting a lot of old or unwanted emails...everything from my bank info to letters from/to Naomi to my acceptance procedure/letters from WSU... Sometimes I still don't get why they took me... other times I know exactly why... Funny thing though... Thus far I have defied the odds... The GMAT is supposed to predict 1st year success ... I should be failing according to that... But I'm not. I'm doing well. I also found it interesting because a few weeks ago I took an IQ test... the official kind. (Friends in psych who need guinea pigs can be fun.) I did manage to be the rare exception as I had a melt down in the middle since one part totally triggered the memory of the GMAT. But in the end, it was all good... my primary score was invalid, but the generalized score put me between 120-139... Most likely, it's around 135... Soo... I'm not stupid. I've feared IQ tests for years because I feared they would tell me I barely made the cut of normal... So even if its only 120 I'd be happy simply knowing I'm not stupid... The GMAT made me feel like a complete idiot. It was horrible and I was devastated. ... I scored in the 15th percentile of quantitative skills... though in the 89th percentile for verbal. I failed the GMAT essentially... and when I took it again, I did worse than the first one (overall). I've felt and feared that I was basically stupid... I mean... I know I have to work harder than some people... than most actually... this stuff doesn't come easy to me. I see others simply manage to get by with much less. Typically I work ahead... I'm done with papers 2-3 days before they're due... I keep fighting to tell myself that I belong here...
And I am here... sometimes I look back at last April... and I remember how close I was to giving up... and I'm amazing that I am here... that things are the way they are... I'm in a program... a good program, with a really good advisor... I'll have publications in review by the end of the year... I'm happy... I'm whole... and I'm learning to trust myself... I know I still don't get it some times... how the hell I got here... how was chosen... I still challenge my worth and constantly have to prove (to myself) that I belong here... but... I am here. And I'm good. I probably will always challenge this... I'll always wonder how the hell I got here... what were they thinking when they chose "me"... but I'm learning to accept it, even with the wonder... And that's not a bad way to look at it.
