nirvelli_lynn

1. What did you do in 2011 that you'd never done before?

Got Married. It was one of the best days I've ever had... not because I got married (though obviously that was a big deal) but because so many of my family and friends were there to celebrate and Support Kate and my decision. It was amazing.

2. Did you keep your New Years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I didn't really have one. This year I do have one however. I would like to exercise more and try to stay on target for weight watchers. I'd like to feel more active and mobile.

3. Did someone close to you give birth?

Not this year... though Squiggles may be on the way which is beyond comprehension and very exciting.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

No. It was a good year

5. What countries did you visit?

Aruba. Great honeymoon location. We scuba dived the entire time. Kate would love to go again. (I loved the vacation but would consider some of the other islands too.)

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?

Less stress

7. What date from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

Kate's graduation, the blowup with Kate's dad (which turned out to be a good thing and cleared a lot of air), passing my comprehensive exams, getting married, Dadra getting engaged at the BBQ of Doom, every visit home and time with my mum and family.

8. What was your biggest achievement(s) of the year?

Passing my comps and becoming an official PhD Candidate/ABD. The biggest accomplishment of my academic career thus far.

9. What was your biggest failure(s)?

My health. It took a major blow in compensation for doing well in Comps. I gained back the 30lbs I lost on WW the year before and can really feel the impact of more weight. I also ended up in PT due to my back pain (as result of sitting so much to study).

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

My back. Ended up in PT for 2 months and going on muscle relaxers in order to study and take my exams

11. What was the best thing you bought?

I cant think of anything except for Aruba and Kate's new Xbox.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Kate and I both do. Kate graduated with her masters with a 4.0 and I passed my Comps. I still get warm fuzzies and feeling of accomplishments for both of these.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

[stolen from Nadyne, but I totally agree] Congressional Republicans should be taken out back and horsewhipped.

14. Where did most of your money go?

The wedding, travel and daily living.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Time with my family and friends. I think the one thing I really took away from this year is how much they mean to me and how much I value time with them.

16. What songs will always remind you of 2011?

Taio Cruz - Dynamite.... it's kinda cliche but it's just a fun happy song that is about celebrating the moment and celebrating life. Also Kris Allen, Live like we're dyin'. And Raise your Glass by Pink

17. Compared to this time last year, are you
i. happier or sadder? happier
ii. thinner or fatter? fatter, sadly
iii. richer or poorer? poorer, but that is expected for the next few years.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

Read more books. Had more time with family and friends

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Pain and Anxiety. I think these are the two things that really made the year difficult. I am actually considering going back on anxiety meds for awhile... which is odd because I'm doing really well... I think this is another aspect of what I'd like to change in the next year. I'd like to start taking Tracor (an herbal supplement) which helps reduce this. It's not out of control, but generally I've noticed that since comps, it has decreased but I think comps triggered my anxiety a bit more than I'd like to live with. Thus, a gentle and natural start is my plan. I don't think I need the full out traditional medicine, just something to help keep the edge off.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

Family. The best way I could ever imagine. The eve was with mom, kate, dadra, carlos, my dad, joe, janelle, max, kathy, espiranza, casey and jess, aunt deb, and jim. The day was spent with kate's parents, cullen and gran... playing lots of pinball in the basement.

21. Did you fall in love in 2011?

With Kate... every day... she was more supportive and attentive than I could ever ask for.

22. How many one-night stands?

If Kate count's, every night

24. What was your favorite TV program?

TV was my lifesaver and brain-turn-offer this year... House, Glee, Terranova, The big bang theory, The amazing race, anything with Gordon Ramsey... and of course, MSU football.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

Nope. Which is a good thing.

26. What was the best book you read?

I actually managed to read one (non-academic) book. The last Eragon book "Inhertitance" It was okay but I'm glad I read it. I also am working on Steve Jobs which is also quite good.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Music was sadly lacking this year... as it has been the past few years. Unfortunately due to the program I'm in, I don't have time to explore to music and only a little to even listen. But I appreciate what I am able to explore.

28. What did you want and get?

Kate.

29. What did you want and not get?

A publication.

30. Favorite film of this year?

Muppets, Hugo and Girl with the Dragon Tatoo... though I should also state that I only saw 5 movies this year total.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 34. Kate and I went out to eat... it was a quiet, low stress day. Perfect. A few weeks later we went to Seattle and ate at our favorite Sushi place in Seattle: Shiro's

32.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Less stress and a publication

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?

Casual and comfortable. Though someone recently asked me how I would see myself in 10 years and my response was LL Bean. :)

34. What kept you sane?

Kate.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Pink and Lady Gaga. The support they have offered to women and against bullying have been instrumental in my view.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?

Gay bullying and bullying in general. Michigan disgusted me by passing an "anti-bullying" bill that makes bullying okay if you have a religious or moral objection.

37. Who did you miss?

My family and friends. The biggest sacrifice I've made in this program is contact with my family and friends back home in michigan and in cali. I only really talk to friends in Michigan when I'm home. Nikki went through thyroid cancer and I didn't even know until it was almost over... Nadyne (and Michael) had health issues I barely was aware of... and I have friends who I barely talk to at all because I don't see then when I'm home in Michigan. Yes, friendship has been the biggest sacrifice...and I thank G-d every time I'm home that they welcome me back home every time... as Nikki said... there is a Tera-size hole that awaits me .... I always have a home.

38. Who was the best new person you met?

Kari Freeland who I met along with Jen in the bathroom of Smokey Mountain when out with Kate, Jonathan, and Topsanna.
Topsanna who I met through Jon.. our little gay house-renter when we were in Michigan in July
Nathan Neal... a first year in my program who I enjoy very much.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011:

Breath

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

We only got 86,400 seconds in a day to
Turn it all around or to throw it all away
We gotta tell them that we love them
While we got the chance to say
Gotta live like we're dying
~Kris Allen

Things are going well for me... very well in fact.

Passed Exams and am now ABD
Dissertation papers 1 and 3 were accepted. Still working on 2.
My paper with Arvin (Also my dissertation paper#1) on Alliance governance & formation at IPO was accepted to Babson. This is really good news. In fact, every paper that was submitted by PhD students at WSU got into Babson, including Doug's on which I'm second author. Keeping in mind only 200 papers were accepted, this is awesome.
I think I have all 3 dissertation ideas solidified. I'll meet with Jonathan tomorrow to discuss this further
The Stigma paper that was my original 2nd year paper (and after a year in review was rejected by AMJ) has been revised and we now have double the sample size. We were originally planning to send it the Jounal of Management (JOM) but the results are so good that we've decided to send it to Strategic Managment Journal (SMJ), which is an "A" level paper.
We have decided to repackage the Information Asymmetry paper that we presented to Babson to the Darden Conference. Jonathan recommends it as us getting out on the market as much as possible this year is ideal. The only hang-up is the amount of traveling (and therefor expense) that I will have to do.
The managerial capabilities paper (I'm 2nd or 3rd author) will be send to the AOM conference
I meet Kristine tomorrow re: the Etsy paper. I may see about sending that to AOM** The Etsy paper still needs to be written and "aimed" somewhere... tomorrow we discuss where.
On the downside, the results for the Reputation Repair paper (aka Org Science as this the target) is problematic. This is the paper that we spent a month collecting data for during comps prep (aka hell). None of the regressions come out. We are considering a Survival Analysis but that needs more data... thus I think that is dead in the water, probably until May. However, this was not a complete loss as part of this data collection helped us finish the Stigma paper that we're sending out this week.

Works in Progress this month:

Information Asymmetry paper - email tomorrow to Darden
Stigma paper - update methods, edit for SMJ format, send out to co-authors D & J (with deadline), send to SMJ before Dec 20
Reputation Repair (Org Science) - hold off and come back to after defended my proposal
Alliance Governance at IPO (Dissertation #1) - hit this hard and collect data. Ideally (if unlikely) have completed by Jan 10 for AOM conference submission

Works in progress otherwise:

Status at IPO (Dissertation #2?) - Data collection simutaneous with other Alliance/Dissertation paper.
Distance between Underwriters & VC; Agency Issues at IPO (Dissertation #3) - plan data collection and have data by May.

**The push for the AOM Conference is because that is when I'm officially on the job market and I need as many signals of quality as possible if I choose to go on it... much of my decision to go on the job market will depend on the SMJ.

As of last Friday, I am officially a PhD Candidate and ABD... All But Dissertation.
*relief*
:)

Also, during my orals, 2 of my 3 paper topics toward my disseration were accepted. Yesterday, I talked to Doug and we have found a third. (I sent an email to my committee about it today.) If approved, I have all three dissertation paper ideas ready to go. Now it's data collection and trying to get another paper off to a journal.

Current Mood: pleased

Orals are scheduled for Dec 2. (The administration required 10 business days notice.)

In other news, Kate and I made a major decision... one I'm not yet accustomed to but is decided. We decided that I'm going to take a 5th year. While I don't have to declare this with the school for one more year, we needed a plan. Specifically, she needed a plan regarding her job. If we were to stay 4 years, she would stay with her current job (which she hates). However, if add another year, she will stay with her current job til May-ish (making it 1 year of employment) then get another job for the remaining 2 years. I'm still a bit hazy on this decision and I still may consider doing a few interviews if the right schools come up. I really don't want a 5th year, but in order to really have a chance on the market, I need at least 1 publication and 1 under review. I think I can easily get the 1 reivew... it's the publication that is difficult. We have one paper that still has a major shot at a good journal and that's the one I put into review, but that same paper spent a year under reivew already.
My other concern is more personally motivated. At my current rate, I'm at serious risk of burnout. If I wanted to complete everything in 4 years, I would have to continue at 80+ hours per week, every week. And that has (already) taken a significant toll on me. And it's tough on Kate. I want to survive the program. I want to be out in 4 years, but I'm really concerned it may not be possible... at least with my sanity and relationship in tact. I just kinda feel like I'm failing a bit by not completing the program in 4 years. I'm struggling to accept it... I kinda still want to try to get out in 4 years, but I also am worried about the amount of work it would take to do so... I feel like I'm in a Catch-22.

Current Mood: contemplative

Hey All,
I am doing a research project related to creative entrepreneurship using Etsy. If you or anyone you know uses Etsy, could you please fill out this survey and pass it along to anyone else who uses etsy to sell their products? I would really appreciate it! Thank you!!!

( Creative Entrepreneurship Study )

It seems like forever since I posted. In fact, I think it has been. Sadly I can offer no promises of more frequent posts, but I at least wanted to get the core updates and ongoings posted.

Relationship:
So the big update is that I'm now engaged. Kate asked me to marry her while we were at Disney. It was amazing and very memorable. We have set the date for July 3, 2011. The date is kinda unusual in that it's on a Sunday, but the 4th is an official holiday so I'm hoping few people will have to work. Plus, it's actually traditional in Judaism to have wedding on Sundays so I kinda like it. Kate has since moved out to Washington and we've officially been living together for one month, come Sept 1. Honestly I love it. We took the first month to essentially paint the house (4 of the 5 rooms!), get unpacked and settle. It was nice to have that time to really adjust to each other.

Research:
My second year paper is nearly completed. It's taken longer than we expected, but that IS expected. I spent all summer gathering data, analyzing results, and writing the methodology section. I am the first of three authors. We are submitting the article to Academy of Management Journal. It's the top journal in my field. My advisor reviewed and essentially re-wrote a third of the paper which was expected but still a bit frustrating and embarrassing, (though I totally know I'm not bad for where I'm at in the program.) He said our writing was good for 1st years, but still needed work to get up to the level of an A journal. It was interesting to see his writing style and how much better his was... it makes me yearn to that good someday. He really thinks this has a shot at an A, and thus I am VERY appreciative that he put so much work into it.

I am meanwhile working on a paper with another prof (Kristine), using etsy to analyze small business entrepreneurship and co-opetition (when competitors co-operate in the market). We are in the exploratory phases of that one and I have to create a "random" list of participants by next week.

I am also reading a ton of stuff on IPOs (initial public offering - when a company first decides to "go public" and list their firm on the stock market) in order to write an abstract so I can attend an entrepreneurship conference, Babson. Babson only accepts about 250 of 700 abstracts each year and you have to be accepted to attend. That is due mid-October. Thankfully that paper will also work for one of my seminars.

School:
Classes have started. I'm taking 2 stats and 2 seminars. It's interesting because my first year, my sole focus was getting through my classes. Now it's almost like classes are secondary. My primary focus is research and I'm trying to just get as much information from the seminars as possible while still keeping my focus. Thankfully I have no final exams this year. Only papers. I have an organizational behavior seminar and have no idea what my research area will be in... though another prof is possibly interested in the topic of creativity and I think that may be interesting... So that is more extra reading I need to work on to get ideas.

Dissertation:
I have one idea for one of my dissertation papers. (I will be doing three small rather than one big.) It is in the area of IPOs and Entrepreneurship. My advisor came and talked to me a few days ago and apparently we have access (via his professional network) to a database of Chinese IPOs (which is very hard to get data on). I have been welcomed to join a phone conference between my advisor and 2 other profs at another university to discuss ideas and topics to consider. I am thrilled at the opportunity to expand my network like this. Plus I like the topic. Next semester my advisor will be leading an unofficial seminar in Entrepreneurship (It will officially be a 'directed study' and thus he won't get paid, but it will be just as intense as a regular seminar) and my cohorts and I are allowed to use whatever papers we develop in the class as part of our dissertation. So even though I'm only starting my second year, by the end of this year, I should have a good start at one, if not two of my dissertation papers.

Balance:
I think the hardest thing right now is learning how to balance everything. Last year was difficult emotionally because I didn't have a support network here, but I therefor had nothing else to do but work. The negatives includes mild depression, counseling, and about $5000 in travel expenses. This year I have part of my support network here, but as result, have a playmate and thus don't want to work as much. Arguably this could make me equally or more productive in shorter amounts of time, but that I believe will be once I have that balance. I also feel a bit bad because I'm working so hard to find a balance here, that I feel like I'm neglecting other friends back home. This is hard because I do miss my people. And I know I'm not going to be traveling home nearly as much this year. Thanksgiving, then Winter break are the soonest at this point. Plus I am not planning on going home for Spring break in March. (We are planning a vacation with Mom.) I miss my people, but I also know that this year I have the strength to stay here longer and thus work harder towards my degree and future. Meanwhile, it's really nice to actually have someone in Pullman who I want to spend time with. It takes a bit of learning how to prioritize things again. I am fully confident that it will all work out, and that I'll have a schedule settled in the next week or so. Overall, I have absolutely no regrets, it's simply learning a new pattern. I am very happy with what I'm doing, where I'm going, and who I'm with. And I'm hoping, that by working so hard, I will be able to move back to the mid-west eventually.... so I can have more of my people again.

Current Mood: good

Its after midnight and I'm finally going home. We hit a snag in the paper and I had to gather over 250 more data points in order to test another hypothesis. (2 others failed) we are trying to get this paper out by aug 6... This means in addition to the 8 hrs I've just spent collecting today, I have about 8 more hours to go tomorrow. Then we run the data and pray for something at .05 or less t test. My stress level is higher and I've ignored some recent family trauma. But things hit me harder when stressed. I've realized I've gotten a lot more internal over the years. Its prolly a good thing as I can put things aside and push through work when I need to. Now though, I want sleep.

And done!

I am off to DIsney! YAY! *very excited*
Plus I just got a new nintendo game for my DS... my flight is 4.5 hours...ewwwie....

Yay for vacation!

I do have to say that overall teaching was a very positive experience. I had several students write to say that they very much enjoyed my class (and even wished I was teaching the next level!) and that could tell that I cared about them and tried to help as much as I could. It was mentioned that while the material itself was very dry, my teaching style did well to make it interesting. My favorite title is still "Instructor Tera". It was very cute.

I EXIST! Whooo!
Not only do I exist, but I finally have the time/energy to update something of any merrit.

So... I'm teaching my first class this semester and so far it's going well. 4 of 6 weeks are completed and the grades are currently 18 A, 31B, 13C, 2D, and no one failing. We have one required exam left, a few participation points, and an optional final... so I'm pretty happy with the curve.

Research is going... there are projects going really well, and there are projects that are exhausting. But they are all going which is the important thing at this point.

Kate moves out here at the end of July. Her parents are renting a SUV and driving her out here... the car is rented (as of last night) and she's been packing and getting ready to move for the past 3 weeks. We have had a lot of serious conversations in the past few weeks and months, including discussions of the future. It's been nice to have a stable and postive relationship. Sometimes I don't know what to do with myself because... well, I haven't had too many of these. But I'm happy. And I have an amazing, smart and beautiful girlfriend who I know loves me very much, and I feel the same... I feel... blessed.

I'm going to Disney with Mom and Kate on June 18th and am totally excited. I miss them both and know we will have a great time exploring Orlando. Mom is well and in fact spent the night at the beer tent at Curwood with Kate. Tomorrow they plan on working then doing more Curwood stuff. It's really good to know that even though I'm not there, they both are well and having a good time.

Meanwhile, I am at the Wine Walk at Levenworth with Leah and David. Levenworth, WA is a cute Bavarian town similar to Frankenmuth but in the foothold of these beautiful mountains. There is a river right outside of our hotel and a balcony where I'm totally going to be spending my morning reading.

I'm doing well in the house. It was a huge change because I'd gotten so solitary, and still am to a large degree. But Michaela is teaching me Hebrew and we have started some household traditions (wine at 7pm) that are really nice and have created a nice sense of community. Moving in was a good move... even though there is a lot of pot which I'm seriously not a fan of... I stil am happy with the decision.

Casey is coming to visit July 5-11... Kate moves out here July 31... And things are just... good. Granted I want to kill myself some days when I have to collect data... but... I still feel good about where I am at, what I am doing, and where I'm going.

I've pondered whether I'm slipping into an acute depression of sorts... I'm struggling to do much of anything besides watch tv and movies on my computer... My classes aren't suffering because I managed my time a bit "too" well and it feels that I have way too much time on my hands... so I end up holing up in my dorm. I'm also exceedingly lonely. I have a ton of stress and guilt for not working... even though I'm academically doing well... and I got sick two days ago... since I got sick, it was like the loneliness magnified ten-fold... I ended up crying for about 2 hours this morning before finally getting up and out of my dorm, drove around the campus for a bit and came back, cooked dinner downstairs, and have since been doing more of nothing...

I have this guilt of not working.
I'm sick on top of it so my energy is good for only a few hours at a time, less I get dizzy & exhausted.
I'm lonely and all I really want to do is go home, but I can't... until the end of June
Dadra is coming to visit me in May and I'm actually nervous about it.
I feel lost... sick...tired... and I'm just tired of being alone here. I'm tired of doing this COMPLETELY on my own. While I have support at home... I have very little support here... I miss home. And it sucks.

I teach this summer...

60 student max.... and I already have 63...

I have the honor of teaching the largest class in all of the College of Business.
After today I'm debating whether I should dread this or not.

Oh well... I'm going with the not.

The first week's lessons are set (That was tonight's job) and I think things are ready to start.... syallabus is looking good. First week done... and students are ready. I'll take this as a good beginning.

Class starts May 10th, 9am. :)

I had a two students come into my office 10 minutes after they took their last exam of the semester. They wanted me to calculate their grades and look at the answers to the test they just took. I let them see the key and look things over for about 3 minutes, then smiled emailed them a website where they can calculate their grades on their own, since all this information is available. (Note, these were the same students who came to me 3 weeks ago asking for the same thing... I couldn't accommodate this at that moment so I suggested they come back the next day during my (actual) office hours. I spent about 20 minutes taking the time to look them up, calculate their grade and estimate what they needed on the next exam... they never showed up.)

Back the present.

After another 15 minutes of the students leaving, one comes back in my office asking that I stop everything and grade his paper. Note... this is 30 minutes after the exam. The exam is graded by a "bubble sheet" machine; not me. I said no and he kept smiling and begging. Finally after four times repeating myself, I walked him to the door and he left.

Chieh, my officemate... immediately went into a fit of giggles.

I have an exam tomorrow... which I should pass. I know 95% of the material easily with just a bit more to review. The way he words things will be the only issue. But I know enough that I'm not freaking out...

I was going through my emails and deleting a lot of old or unwanted emails...everything from my bank info to letters from/to Naomi to my acceptance procedure/letters from WSU... Sometimes I still don't get why they took me... other times I know exactly why... Funny thing though... Thus far I have defied the odds... The GMAT is supposed to predict 1st year success ... I should be failing according to that... But I'm not. I'm doing well. I also found it interesting because a few weeks ago I took an IQ test... the official kind. (Friends in psych who need guinea pigs can be fun.) I did manage to be the rare exception as I had a melt down in the middle since one part totally triggered the memory of the GMAT. But in the end, it was all good... my primary score was invalid, but the generalized score put me between 120-139... Most likely, it's around 135... Soo... I'm not stupid. I've feared IQ tests for years because I feared they would tell me I barely made the cut of normal... So even if its only 120 I'd be happy simply knowing I'm not stupid... The GMAT made me feel like a complete idiot. It was horrible and I was devastated. ... I scored in the 15th percentile of quantitative skills... though in the 89th percentile for verbal. I failed the GMAT essentially... and when I took it again, I did worse than the first one (overall). I've felt and feared that I was basically stupid... I mean... I know I have to work harder than some people... than most actually... this stuff doesn't come easy to me. I see others simply manage to get by with much less. Typically I work ahead... I'm done with papers 2-3 days before they're due... I keep fighting to tell myself that I belong here...

And I am here... sometimes I look back at last April... and I remember how close I was to giving up... and I'm amazing that I am here... that things are the way they are... I'm in a program... a good program, with a really good advisor... I'll have publications in review by the end of the year... I'm happy... I'm whole... and I'm learning to trust myself... I know I still don't get it some times... how the hell I got here... how was chosen... I still challenge my worth and constantly have to prove (to myself) that I belong here... but... I am here. And I'm good. I probably will always challenge this... I'll always wonder how the hell I got here... what were they thinking when they chose "me"... but I'm learning to accept it, even with the wonder... And that's not a bad way to look at it.

I'm feeling better today. I know what triggered me yesterday and I know the core of the issue (which is actually entirely unrelated to the triggers)... Three days ago I had a dream... and it took me 2 days to figure it out... but I eventually did. And understanding helped (even though it cause me a minor meltdown)... but I figure... there are a lot of things I'm still "Filtering Out" from the past. And this takes time.

I'm still not comfortable with a lot of things... I know that the my trust issues are going to be a major factor for awhile. I know some of the scars from the past are pretty deep... and even subconscious... I'll fine in the end... somehow I always get there.. I just have a feeling this is gonna take awhile...

Thursday, Jan 28th, 2010 -- You may be digging in your heels and holding out for what you need, but the final outcome of your current strategy is not dependent on you being stubborn now. In fact, your inflexibility can complicate things and push you even farther away from your destination. Don't be so sure that you know what you want. The more you remain open to compromise now, the better you'll feel about the situation.

I used to hate them... but now I secretly enjoy eating cherries, simply due to the fact that ex was deathly allergic.

Today is one of those days when I'm not okay... I'm a combination overwhelm and lonely. I miss home... Not to say that I'd be "all better" there either... but... I'm just wishing I had the support network I had home. I have people here... but ... the depth of the relationships that I have at home simply isn't here... I have people... but... I don't have MY people... and I miss them... terribly.

I'm doing well by all technical and academic standards... the semester is easy thus far... I need to get my ass moving on some additional projects before it gets too busy... but I find myself coming home mentally and emotionally drained... more emotionally to be honest. The past week... well... losing faith in humanity is a bit draining... so I understand why. Things are hitting me... constantly... my thoughts, even while in classes tend to drift lately... and that is a typical rarity for me... I saw my counselor today... we did a guided meditation which both helped and brought out a bit more emotion...

Tonight I honestly want to cry... but I"m not even sure what I'm crying about.... like why in specific... what do I feel... I don't know... at times I think it's just the emotion and there is no reason... I kinda want to just disappear... I'm kinda scared about the upcoming weekend... I have a feeling I'm gonna be pushing through the emptiness..... I'll read... I'll try to immerse myself in work... I'll create deadlines and schedules and try to get my projects going... but I know I'm gonna mostly try to disappear into the emptiness... there I can forget that I am empty...

I'll probably play Zelda, watch movies and attempt to kill time and melt my brain in the TV... or something like that... I don't want to disappear... I just feel...

I don't know...

As much as I'm not happy about it... There is thought among my cohorts to look at other schools. This sucks. *sigh* It's not our fault nor is there concern that my program won't be here.... but we are loosing many majour faculty ... By next fall, my dept will have lost 4 major faculty leaving only 4 behind (plus one clinical prof). Of these faculty, only 2 have really had much contact with the phd students... My advisor, is actually the advisor of ALL three of the new phd students... And even he is considering leaving... His initiative to leave has steadily grown over the past semester... And while they say that advisors often take their students... I doubt he would be able to take all of us... or even just Doug and I... since I don't know if Dustin is interested in starting over... And I have no problem with starting over... esp if it gives me more options later... but I really have a bit of deep nervousness about this... because if we loose Jonathan, basically we really don't have much of a program... Doug is considering re-taking the GMAT. I am don't know what I'm considering... but if Jonathan goes... and can't take me with him... I will be applying to new schools.. again... *sigh* funny how the moment you think you're settled for awhile... you find out... not really so much...

Apparently people (presumably family members who are "Friends") have been making comments to my mom questioning whether or not I can make it in my program.... The comments I make on facebook are apparently giving the implication that question my ability...

Mom has told me this more than once... *sigh* I wish there were some things my mom would just not tell me... I mean... right now... I really don't want to hear that people question my abilities to do this. **I** am questioning these things, though my gut level says I'll make it... however I go through some times when I really just want to ... stop. But I force myself to keep going... and I do. And I typically do it well.

There are some things that concern me... there are some things I need to go see a doctor about even... my anxiety is the primary reason. ... I am having a lot of aches in places I shouldn't... breathing sometimes is hard and my chest and sometimes back ache a lot. I think that the problem is panic attacks and tightness in my intercostals... which is common in stress... I've depleted my adrenals and I know it. Though I should say in my defense that I'm not on any regular anti-depressants. I have taken xanex a few times during the day and the past week I've been taking klonopin to sleep... so I've been learning to handle 95% of this stress and lifestyle on my own... drug free.

However, all I have to do is make it though this week and a final the following week. I am exhausted but cannot sleep... I've learned this is typical.

Adding to the stress is the fact that I'm still having to deal with Naomi who has yet to give me back my belongings... and the money she owes me... and trying to deal a bit in advance with the one negative aspect of going home... and basically trying to negate that before it happens... Otherwise I'm really happy and excited to go home. Though I still will not sleep in my mom's house alone unless my door is locked.

I'm overly stressed...yes. overly taxed... yes...do I sometimes want to just not do this anymore? sometimes... yes... but I really want this... But I also don't want to hear about people who think I won't make it. Maybe that's asking too much... but I'm still asking.

*sigh* I really should be sleeping... I have a 7am alarm tomorrow...

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nirvelli_lynn

September 2012

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